~ The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
~ La cucaracha is my most favorite song EVER about cockroaches.
~ There’s a 74% chance my last words will be “it’s okay, nobody ever died from eating too much frosting.”
~ Some people are naturally talented, some people are motivated, some people are lucky. Me? I HATE ALL OF THOSE PEOPLE!
~ I won’t take a bullet for you, but I will take your wallet after the bullet hits you.
~ If by “shot” you mean “half a cup” then yes I’ll have a shot of Bailey’s in my coffee
~ When I win the lottery I’m going to have a full-time stenographer just so I can remember what I was talking about.
~ Remember guys: With women, you’re guilty until proven guilty.
~ Living my life to its dullest…
~ Am I the only one to ever go on YouTube just to watch a music video and then five hours later you find yourself watching a tutorial on how to talk to a giraffe?
~ Anyone who says their wedding day was the best day of their life, has never had two candy bars fall down at once from a vending machine.
~ You never know how strong you are until you have to move your furniture all alone.
~ My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people. Now admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu, but I still use that one.
~ I bet the worst part about being a giraffe is having a lot of time to think about your mistakes when you’re sinking into quicksand.
~ One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Trust me… totally worth it.
~ I see mannequins that I know are completely out of my league.
~ I have several religious accounts following my postings… so I can only assume I’m the subject of a monthly sermon series.
~ Deep down inside, you may be a good person, but I don’t carry around a shovel.
~ Just an FYI: Cats REALLY hate dryers. However, she has NEVER looked this fluffy.
~ So I’m wondering if clothes in China say, “Made around the corner.”
~ When my Internet is down for more than two minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
~ Yes… I would go straight to Wendy’s to get two Double Stacks and a small Coke with a stolen credit card. So thanks for asking for ID, lady.
~ How are things going? Someone stole my identity. And then, two weeks later, they sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
~ I don’t have any bumper stickers because I don’t believe in anything strongly enough to potentially get my car keyed.
~ If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
~ I couldn’t stand the long distance relationship anymore, so today I moved the fridge into the bedroom.
~ If I yell Bloody Mary into a mirror three times at 3AM, as loud as I can, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will appear and tell me to shut up and go to bed. Magic?
~ People have underestimated me my entire life, and on at least two of those days, they’ve been wrong.
~ I thought this woman at Wal*Mart was speaking Yiddish today, but now that I’m home and thinking about it, I’m pretty sure she was choking.
~ I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal…
~ I tripped over the dog a second ago and am hurting a little. WebMD has it narrowed down to a sprained uterus, appendicitis, or lung cancer. So…
~ If you stop and think about all the people I didn’t marry, I’ve had a positive impact on virtually THOUSANDS of people.
~ My voice mail message says “Just hang up and text me.”
~ It’s impossible to have an *OK* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
~ My Google search history is just twelve different, incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”