~ It’s 72. That’s how many Skittles you can eat before your tongue feels like you licked an iron.
~ I looked successful at my last job, not because I was better than anyone else, but because I surrounded myself with stupid people.
~ I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was Googling ballroom dancing lessons… and now I’m really hoping that she’s having an affair.
~ I sometimes think that sharks don’t eat enough people.
~ I will force my way into an inside joke and kill the fun before I let two people laugh about something I don’t get.
~ If it defies all logic and makes very little sense, then it was probably my idea…
~ The most important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
~ My golf instructor seems to think I’m mature enough to handle him talking about balls and how to properly grip the club.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) told me the two things she cooks best are meatloaf and apple pie, the correct response was NOT “Which one is this?”
~ Why would ANY married man buy a hearing aid?
~ As it turns out, a digital examination is not nearly as high tech as it sounds.
~ I still remember the day OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) fell in “meh, I could do worse” with me.
~ I may never truly know the difficulty of giving birth to a child, but I have taken my coat off by myself while driving.
~ You probably wouldn’t compliment our clean house if you knew OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) dusted everything with an old pair of my underwear.
~ FYI: It’s totally legal to expose yourself in public as long as you yell “WHOOMP THERE IT IS!”
~ I could’ve had a V8. Whew! Glad I dodged THAT bullet…
~ I would have a difficult time working in the Marketing Department for Dick’s…
~ So it turns out that flash mobs are SO not what I thought… and I’ll be out looking for my clothes.
~ Find someone to make you laugh everyday… and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
~ Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO are for sale at my local Wal*Mart… proving that dressing like an idiot is now affordable for everyone.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) sure is picky for someone who married me.
~ All squirrels fly ever since I bought a T-shirt cannon.
~ If you are going to be stupid you better be strong.
~ I wear the pants in my relationship… I’m just not allowed to pick them out.
~ If you stop at a yellow light I’m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
~ At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half…
~ My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
~ I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
~ None of my girlfriends back in high school knew they were dating me.
~ Wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard, “Actually sir, we have you on camera.”
~ Every time I went into my boss’ office she told me “take a seat.” I had 14 by the time I quit.
~ Not to brag on her, but all of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) kids have the same daddy.
~ Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
~ Which is more naked… buck or stark?
~ At least 95% of my conversations with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) start with, “Now don’t freak out, but…”
~ Sometimes I look around this house and wonder when the adults are going to arrive and straighten this mess out.
~ You are only as good as you treat the person behind the counter.
~ A lady stopped to tell me I dropped $20 on the ground. It wasn’t my $20, but I took it. Nice to know there are still good people out there.
~ I’m going to start using a hoola hoop to keep people out of my personal space.