jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

More Ramblings From a Warped Mind… 11-27-2013

~ I try to keep my caffeine to blood ratio somewhere above jittery, but just below Hulk Hogan body-slamming André the Giant.

~ The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper…

~ What’s the downside of house arrest? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller… Bueller…

~ No matter what the government says, no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden.

~ You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? Hahaha WHY!!??

~ If you worry that you aren’t creative enough, buy a gym membership and see how many excuses you find not to use it.

~ Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

~ Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s actually antidisestablishmentarianism.

~ I’ve started wearing a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruders will think I’m part of the team.

~ If you see a porcupine in your yard, that’s my cat and we’re not done with our acupuncture session.

~ You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone…

~ My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.

~ Why would they the need to add “twerk” to the dictionary? The people that would use said word can’t read.

~ Sometimes I think I’m a relatively smart person. Other times I put my shoes on before my pants and realize who I really am.

~ I just ran over my neighbor’s cat. In all fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.

~ If my neighbor kid’s science project is to see how annoying he can be before I kill him then he’s almost done.

~ About two minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.

~ My Thanksgiving was going great until Grandma decided to show us “the twerk.”

~ Not to brag, but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.

~ Had a BAD mix-up at Wal*Mart today. The cashier said strip down facing me… and apparently she meant my credit card.

~ The correct term for gluten-free, sugarless, vegan brownies is “compost.”

~ Since I didn’t smoke, I used to take “screaming” breaks at work.

~ My Thanksgiving was going great until my OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) brought out the ToFurky… What the furk is that?!

~ I got kicked out of the Chinese Buffet yesterday… I had NO idea there was a time limit.

~ Oops… a bottle of whiskey & a can of Easy Cheese doesn’t constitute a side dish at a Baptist potluck.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) cleaned her purse out in case anybody is missing their lighter, a few 100 paper clips, a half eaten pack of crackers, or a midget.

~ Every time I give money to those Salvation Army people I wonder if they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

~ So last night I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends… so there we were discussing why I’m such a idiot.

~ My neighbor and her dog have matching sweaters on and now I can’t tell them apart from each other.

~ It’s called Wal*Mart because the Center for Disease Control already was taken.

~ This house is so messy that I walked in yesterday and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial.

~ No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is over 50 and she still doesn’t need glasses… she drinks right out of the bottle!

~ When I’m out of town my sleeping position changes from ‘balancing on edge of bed’ to ‘snow angel.’

~ Every time a cop ever asks me to count from 100 backwards… I just get in the back seat.

~ If you say “cash money” around me, don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts.” There… see how stupid that sounds?

~ At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

~ Actual voice mail: “Bubba, this is OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so… happy face at the end.”

~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) accused me of spending too much time on twitter and FaceBook and the funny thing is… when did I get married?

~ Some people should come with a warning like – may cause drowsiness, or may have a laxative effect.

~ At a restaurant last night and I thought a family was praying at the table… but then I realized they were all texting.

~ I remember back when the kid was born, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) suggested date nights to keep things fun. And she said I could go on some too if I found a reliable sitter.