~ You know… cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it.
~ I had the munchies so bad last night I was walking around the kitchen like Pac-Man.
~ I saw a homeless guy asleep with a lit cigarette in his mouth… which may explain why he’s homeless.
~ Soooo… long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
~ One of the hardest parts of parenting was standing idly by while my kid built a mediocre couch fort.
~ My plans are just like me… they’re so fat they never work out.
~ I wonder if Nicki Minaj knows we can see her?
~ I’m looking for a new job where I’m always running out the door with my arms flailing and holding a jar screaming “I GOTTA GET THIS TO THE LAB!”
~ It’s always embarrassing to find out that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock AFTER you’ve already served the guacamole.
~ So this morning I pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
~ It’s actually pretty impressive how many poor decisions I can fit in a day.
~ I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants and stores unsupervised.
~ I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake just after I regained consciousness.
~ Just a heads up… they’ll kick you out of the hospital for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
~ I’m gonna go out on a limb here and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says “Hey guess what!” I always try to have my super excited blown away face picked out for whatever nonsense comes next.
~ The worst pick-up line girls used on me in high school was, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
~ My old boss called me today and I answered by screaming “HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?!?!” and hung up. That should keep her wondering a little while.
~ So I was in Wal*Mart earlier and as I was checking out, yes… she, technically, had 19 items in the 15 items or less lane. But for MY sake and safety, I counted the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake, and tequila as one item.
~ This cat just sits there looking at me like I owe it money or something.
~ I’m writing a new a ‘knock knock’ joke about Jehovah’s witnesses. “Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock, knock…”
~ I always do all my own stunts, but seldom intentionally.
~ I miss being able to call in sick. I always had the best cough.
~ To the person who turned in the resume with no name or phone number, yeah… you didn’t get the job.
~ Just when my neighbors think they know me, I’ll sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.
~ Sometimes when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is asleep, I like to sneak into the living room, put on her dress, and pretend I wear the pants in this relationship.
~ If you use the word “ridonkulous” or “ginormous,” chances are you’re a retardiot.
~ I followed a cop car around all day yesterday to let them know how it feels.
~ LIFE LESSON: Never do anything that you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
~ There is no such thing as a stupid question… unless you have ever tried to walk OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) through how to attach a photo to an email.
~ I once unplugged the copier at my old job and put a sign on it that said “now voice activated!” THAT was a magical day.
~ I think toasters have 4 settings too many. They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast.”
~ I’m not sure where women go to learn how to argue, but that place is good.
~ I’ve started wiping my hands off on the cat. And since the cat bathes itself, I’ve already saved a ton of money on napkins already.
~ Hell hath no fury like that of OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) after she pours her soul into an 8 paragraph text and my only reply is “Ok.”
~ Responsibility? Yeah… that’s overrated.