jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

More Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 1-3-2014

~ You’d think it would be safe not locking a car in a church parking lot on a Sunday, but apparently NOT… just this week I got 8 iPhones and $26.00 in change.

~ Any machine is a smoke machine if I just use it wrong enough.

~ Atheists certainly seem to have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.

~ I’m not saying I did terrible things last night, but Satan just woke up on my couch and won’t make eye contact.

~ My doctor told me to start killing people. Not in those exact words, mind you, but he said I needed to reduce my stress. Same thing.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been helping me diet by replacing the light in our fridge with an air horn.

~ I always maintain constant eye contact with the dude wearing camouflage at the mall… so he KNOWS I can totally see him.

~ I mixed my coffee with Red Bull… and now I can see the invisible things the cat pounces on.

~ Marriage is like the vet… and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

~ My new fail-proof diet: cut sugar, fats, pasta, alcohol, bread, and wrists.

~ My neighbor Marcel got banned from Taco Bell and I cannot wait to hear this story. I have given table dances at Taco Bell and not got kicked out.

~ Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Why don’t they just make bags that are twice as strong?

~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said: Please go to Wal*Mart and buy a carton of milk… and if they have eggs, get six. I came back with six cartons of milk and told her they had eggs. She’s in the kitchen crying.

~ When you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, they mean PEE. They ALWAYS mean pee.

~ My voice mail greeting says “Please don’t do this.”

~ According to PetMD, I have mange.

~ Free Advice: If it’s possible to hear your breathing from over six feet away, then it’s time to either hit the gym or a hospital…

~ No, Grandma, I will not be wearing those horrid Christmas boxers you knitted.

~ One of the biggest problems with the world is that intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.

~ I bet the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells me I drink too much. It’s funny she doesn’t make the connection.

~ Joined our trailer park watch program. There are 30 of us though, so I only get to wear it like one day a month.

~ If by fitness you mean I eat healthy and exercise regularly, then yes, I am not fit.

~ Arguing with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is like being attacked by a bear… I’m better off playing dead and hoping she gets bored and walks away!

~ My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

~ I just checked my voicemail… I forgot to buy milk three years ago.

~ While it may have looked like I was doing crunches, I was actually just trying to get up.

~ I’ve found that a good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

~ I just replaced the cat litter with 44 packages of pop rocks… and now I wait.

~ I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I never understood Math.

~ I will not eat a donut. I will not eat a donut. I will not eat… I will not eat a third donut. I will not eat a third donut.