~ People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
~ ‘Karaoke’ is Japanese for “confidence that overpowers talent.”
~ The key to happiness is obviously the opposite of whatever I’m doing right now.
~ Remember when teachers asked you to lie quietly with your head on your desk? My old boss was never impressed with that skill.
~ I’ll be glad when Wal*Mart makes it a general rule that entry requires you wearing your teeth.
~ Just so you now… there is no rule that says you can’t wash clothes in the dishwasher and dry them on the ceiling fan.
~ I’m so broke… if someone tried to rob me right now they’d just be practicing.
~ So I had told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) I was the lead singer in a band. Well, more of a backup singer. OK…more of a drummer. I mean Triangle player… Roadie. I saw a band once.
~ I wouldn’t say I never exercise because, occasionally, my nose runs.
~ I’d like to apologize to anyone I have not offended… I’ll be with you shortly.
~ In my defense, that baby was crying before I dropped it.
~ Am I the only one thinking Pope Benedict will appear on Celebrity Rehab this season?
~ Sooooo… I found out I’m not a ninja. OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has just been ignoring me.
~ One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. And oddly enough, so will you.
~ I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more… because I have no clue where sandwiches live.
~ So I posed nude for an art class today. No one asked me to. I think they were making ceramic bowls.
~ I smiled and waved at my neighbor… so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
~ If there IS a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie. Walking around doing nothing and eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
~ I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life… if I die next Thursday.
~ I left my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed… and my boss is still an idiot.
~ My former boss got run down by a cement truck today and I thought “Wow, that could have been me!” But I can’t drive a cement truck.
~ So today I got smiled at by a Wal*Mart cashier who had plenty of teeth… but clearly only brushes her favorites.
~ The sign at the McDonald’s in town says “We hiring” in case you’re wondering what kind of qualifications you need to have to be hired.
~ I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard “I’m sorry, we can’t hire you, but your background check was hilarious.”
~ I’m not totally useless… I CAN be used as a bad example.
~ I use words like ‘perpendicular’ when I language at people so they think I is good with vocabularying.
~ So I can now take a small knife with me on the plane, but my 4oz bottle of mouthwash is dangerous. Got it!
~ If I win the lottery, I plan to take a 6-month vacation… twice a year.
~ Did you know that if you rob an Ikea store, you have to put all the money in the bag yourself.
~ I came back from the doctor yesterday and told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
~ My neighbor looks like something I’d draw with my left hand.
~ So my dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard… and earned an on-line college degree.
~ “I Pretty the Pool” is Mr. T’s pool cleaning business slogan…
~ Sometimes I think I’m doing pretty well for my age… and then I remember I’m not 12.
~ My level of sarcasm has gotten to the point where I don’t even know if I’m kidding or not.