~ This Male Order Bride is the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
~ I saw a woman at Wal*Mart today with a lower back tattoo that said “Classy” and my brain leaked out of my ear.
~ The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe… which is something it has in common with the liberal media.
~ I saw on the news that one of the wheelchair basketball team players has tested positive for WD40.
~ I took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard… because the theft in this trailerhood is getting out of hand.
~ Yawning is your body’s way of saying 20% battery left.
~ How about an App that sends you a text when the light turns green…
~ I gave OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) a tip how she could wash the dishes better. On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands softer.
~ It takes a smoke detector four months to stop beeping… if you were wondering how lazy I am.
~ When I call OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Hun,” it’s not short for honey… it’s short for Attila.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) used way too much moisturizer and she may have to call in slick tomorrow.
~ This morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” And now the mop handle is in a funny place.
~ When playing tug of war with a 2yo, it’s best to remember they’re pulling really, really hard and WOW they travel fast when you let go.
~ For those of you wondering what its like to be married: I just found out this morning I’m on day three of an argument I didn’t know I was having…
~ It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…
~ Nothing in the history of the English language has backfired more than the phrase “calm down.”
~ Things I’m really sick of: underwear… responsibility…
~ At best, I’m a worst-case scenario.
~ If you didn’t want me stealing the Parmesan shaker from your establishment, you should’ve chained it down like they do with pens at the bank.
~ I never know what to expect from our ice dispenser… 1 or 5000.
~ So I got a walking stick as a gift, but it’s done nothing except just lie on the floor so far. I’m going to take it back for a refund.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) hides bubble wrap in her bra and it makes for HILARIOUS hugs.
~ Some talents are best left off a résumé.
~ If someone doesn’t realize their blinker is on after one minute their car should explode.
~ I just watched “How It’s Made” on the Discovery Channel and now I’ll never be able to eat another Urinal Cake again.
~ “Your call is VERY important to us. Now, please enjoy the 40-minute flute solo.”
~ Sometimes when I’m bored, I dress up as a giant duck and go down to the pond and throw whole loaves of bread at people.
~ Listen… all you people DO realize you can just BUY a Klondike Bar. Right?
~ Everyone who signed my Yearbook in Junior High will be glad to know I have, in fact, stayed cool.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) was surprised when we went into Staples yesterday to learn they sell ALL kinds of office supplies. She has now decided it might be safe to checkout Dick’s…
~ I often wonder what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided that Anusol was the best possible name brand.