jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

It Shouldn’t Be This Way

So a friend of ours ran into a deer a few days back. And by ran into… I don’t mean like you run into a friend at the mall. She smacked the HECK outta this deer. She said all she remembered seeing was it flying through the air. And she failed to see the humor when I asked if maybe, just maybe, it was a reindeer. It wasn’t.

I could tell you the car was totaled and let that be the end of the story. But you know me. I LOVE details. I love how I capture your mind and have you sitting on the edge of your seats reading not knowing what is coming next. What detail… what tidbit of information will I provide to make you see the story in crystal clear HI-DEF? I don’t know about all that… I just know I have a lot of time on my hands and I have to pass it somehow. So messing with your minds is the best thing I know to do.

So anyway, where was I? Oh yeah… she hit a deer and totaled her car. To ME… that is the good news. The BAD news is… we have to go car shopping.

I can’t say that I dislike car shopping. Because to me, dislike isn’t NEARLY a strong enough word. Despise… detest… loathe… abhor… (yeah I know… thank you It’s just something I HATE to do. Car shopping is something I look forward to as much as I do having my wisdom teeth pulled… or a tax audit… or circumcision. Yeah… it REALLY ranks pretty high up.

And WHY do I hate it so much? It’s like a game to them. Put a price on a car and let me see it. I’ll decide if I can afford it or not. I hate to haggle. And it’s the only place I know that you have to do it on a regular basis. I don’t go to Wally*Mart for milk and expect to haggle. “Yes ma’am, I know it says $3.99 a gallon, but would you take $2.50? OK… how about $3.75 and a free loaf of bread?” You just don’t do that. So why should I do it for a car?

And then there’s the “Let me see what my boss says.” Well, if you can’t make the deal, why am I talking to you in the first place? Let ME talk to the boss and cut out the middle man.

So you get what you THINK is the price and then they want to add on “extras.” “Yes, sir. The car cost $20,000.00, but you are going to want the optional steering wheel, aren’t you? That’s another $900.00. And it gets mighty cold around here during the winter. The optional heater is $600.00. And how about that extended warranty? You know this cheap piece of crap isn’t going to last very long…”

OK… OK… give it to me. Everything. Put it ALL on there. Please. Just tell me how much it’s going to hurt.

“OK… so we have the car… the steering wheel… heater… warranty… sunroof removal… lug nuts… muffler… we’re talking a total of $26,000.” WHAT?? The window sticker was only $25,000. “Yes sir… but that is only a ‘suggested’ selling price.”

OK… let me get you a check for $26,000. You win. I give up.

“Well let me get you a total, sir. I still have to add the tag, title, and a PROCESSING FEE.”

Like it isn’t their JOB to process PAPERWORK??

Man… can’t I just get a circumcision instead?