jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

It Ain’t Gonna Happen

If you are one of the masses that read the ramblings of my warped mind on any type of a regular basis, you might be aware that I read the news a good bit. I check all the major network websites throughout the day, plus some online newspapers for areas we have lived in the past. I check the local paper here weekly… because that’s all it comes out. Once a week. Not a lot happens around here. But I like to keep up with who got a parking ticket, how Myrtle’s in-grown toenail is doing, how many hotdogs were sold at Ken’s this week, when Tractor Day is scheduled for the high school (I kid you not on that), etc… You know… all the important stuff.

But sometimes it amazes me at what make the “headlines” on the major news sites. Some of the stuff is just crazy. But what is REALLY crazy is the stuff folks let themselves get into.

Case in point:

Had a story in the Huntsville paper today that I found interesting (I have to read it since today isn’t the day the local paper comes out). And it has been on all of the major news sites. And all the networks news: Killer Whale Kills Trainer

You know… it seems like they would warn folks. As my friend Anna put on her FaceBook post: “Apparently Killer Whales kill……..who knew.” Maybe they shouldn’t call them Friendly Whales. Maybe they should call them… oh… I don’t know… maybe… KILLER Whales. Duhhhh.

I enjoyed the evening news about this. They interviewed a former employee who “knew the whale well.” My question… just how “well” can you know a whale? Have them over for dinner a time or two? Went out for drinks? And they talked about how the whale had been a problem in the past. There was the death of a former trainer. And the body of a homeless person was found in the pool once. It seems the homeless guy broke in the park after it closed and got in the pool with the whale. Well… in MY book that could be justifiable homicide. The whale was just protecting it’s home.

Some of you have known me for a few years. Some of you have known me longer than you wish. But if you know me, you know this: I am an idiot. But that being said, I AIN’T stupid. I am willing to bet good money that at my funeral, not one person will stand up and give a beautifully stirring eulogy on how I died in the tank with a Killer Whale.

And that is only one of a plethora of ways I don’t plan to die. I see stuff in movies that I know will NEVER happen to me. Remember the movie ‘The Amityville Horror?’ The part where the HOUSE told them to get out? That house would NEVER have the opportunity to tell me twice.

And all those movies where the kids are in the woods and stumble on a locked, deserted old house where the crazed killer used to live before he escaped from the asylum? Yeah… you ain’t gonna find me dead in that house. There ain’t no way.

So next time you see a headline about an Orca (a-k-a KILLER) Whale killing somebody, go to bed in peace that night. Because you won’t see my name in that story unless I am a witness. But as far as me being the one in the pool dead… that just ain’t gonna happen.