jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

In Case You Missed It… 9-26-2013

– I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, the next minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

– If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.

– So the dentist told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) she needs a crown. And she was like “I KNOW, RIGHT?”

– So I walked out naked recently and OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) like “What the…?” And I’m like “This is how God made me!” And she’s like “No, that’s how having no self control at the buffet made you.”

– I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

– Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my suitcase. Turns out it was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

– A new CNN report reveals that 1 in 3 Americans weighs as much as the other 2…!!

– My neighbor has an inferiority complex about his superiority complex. He knows he’s better than you, but he feels really bad about it.

– This whole dieting thing is hard work. Since I can’t order a dozen Krispy Kremes anymore, I just ordered two half dozens!

– A hug or a kind word is always a great way to show how much you care. But I’ll settle for a cupcake.

– The best part of my last job was calling in sick…

– While I’ve never been arrested, I did get a dirty look from a crossing guard once. Look out Hell’s Angels.

– I look great naked… as long as I don’t take my clothes off.

– People who believe what I post are so adorable.

– I’m pretty good at not being good at things.

– There’s nothing better than lounging around in your underwear reading a good book. I just hate when the librarian threatens to call the cops…

– I saw a sweet old lady struggling to get her suitcase on the bus today. I had to go in the other door because she was taking forever.

– My past must be in great shape cause it’s always catching up with me.

– Following my latest visit to Wal*Mart, I have come to the conclusion that ugly people are extra fertile.

– You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.

– Some folks are masters of stating the obvious. Like when they say “Hey, you’re supposed to wear pants when we go to Sonic.”

– If I actually DID live like there was no tomorrow… I’d be in jail.

– “I’m not even sorry” is something I say way too often when getting escorted out of “insert business name here.”

– Second night in a row… A ROW… that no neighbor has offered to share dinner. May look to move the trailer…

– I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile. The rest of you 97% are stupid.

– Be thankful for the BAD things in life for they open your eyes to the GOOD things you weren’t paying attention to before.

– OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) deleted all my DVR list because she remembered that one time 8 yrs ago when I suggested she fold towels the way my mom did it…

– Bitterness is like cancer. It eats upon the host. ~ Maya Angelou

– Apparently I’ve been spelling Xanax backwards the entire time…

– I should get a bonus check for every week I make it through without slapping the silly outta someone.

– If you think I’m purposely ignoring you I probably am…

– I love the “Delete Forever” option on my e-mail…

– I think reality TV stars should have to be spayed or neutered.

– Sometimes I get bummed out that I have never, to my knowledge, been “in cahoots” with anyone.

– So now that I can get away with being a fat alcoholic, when can I expect stupidity being labeled a disease?

– Anybody else disappointed that monkey bread comes with no monkeys?

– If I had a cooking show, 85% of the action would involve me repeatedly fishing the Mac and Cheese box out of the trash to check the directions.

– Those of us who seek psychiatric care aren’t crazy. The crazy people are out in the world thinking they’re all normal.

– OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) says I’m not allowed to clip my toe nails at the kitchen sink anymore. Naked. When we have company. This house is a prison….

– Sometimes I think about going for a walk… and then I remember I have a recliner.

– Before you judge me, make sure you’re perfect.

– It seems no one knows my business like other people…

– These local roadside sobriety tests are really getting out of hand… last night I had to fold a fitted sheet.

– So I had OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) FULL support to study abroad… until she saw the broad.

– When someone says “There are no stupid questions” … I always think “Challenge accepted.”

– So I almost got into a fight over a parking spot at Wal*Mart. The guy got out wearing a Tweety Bird shirt and even I’m not crazy enough to mess around with that…

– So apparently when you donate blood, it has to be your OWN blood.

– I really hate having to wear this towel while OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) washes my cape.

– I have no idea how many problems I have because math is one of them.