jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

In Case You Missed It… 9-23-2013

– FOX BREAKING NEWS: Tragic News Update: Air Force One carrying President Obama underwent massive turbulence, lost engine power, stalled, but landed safely.

– The best thing about standing next to the white guy with dreads at the Wal*Mart checkout is no one thinks you’re the one that farted.

– To help lower my grocery bill, I always take a bag of clever disguises to Sam’s Club on Saturdays.

– Atheists swear they not going to hell just because they don’t believe in it. I don’t believe in having a job, but OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) still goes to work.

– Given how the family has earned their wealth, shouldn’t “Keeping Up with The Kardashians” be called “Dick Dynasty”?

– No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

– My neighbor is nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!

– I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends… so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

– If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader… (Yeah… even I have slow days).

-At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.

– Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

– I saw that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been Googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m REALLY hoping that she’s having an affair.

– “To hell with it, that’s good enough.” – every person after they’ve ever tried to fold a fitted sheet. Ever.

– If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…

– I thought my name was “Stop encouraging him” until I was 11.

– Diet status: currently eating OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) raspberry flavored lip gloss.

– “Bad Turf Toe” is a legitimate injury in football. Really.

– So OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) horoscope says she will meet the man of her dreams today and I, for one, am pretty damn excited for her.

– I don’t mean to brag, but with the right lighting, decent makeup and a ton of tequila, I’m a pretty solid 3.

– I thought my name was “Stop encouraging him” until I was 11.

– It’s a little-known fact that underneath his hat, Abraham Lincoln kept a roll of paper towels.

– Of course OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has made mistakes in her life… @jaysta_11’s (alleged) father is a perfect example.

– Oh… so bathtub selfies are for girls only, huh? Thanks for letting me know.

– My Google search history has turned into a list of symptoms. #hypochondriac

– You gotta love folks that block me before I even have the chance to offend them… Buncha cry babies.

– Shhhh… be veddy… veddy… qwiet. We’re hunting wabbits.

– Sometimes people tell me “Come on… you’re better than that.” But, no… I’m not. Really. I’m not.

– Come on… be honest. I can’t believe I’m the ONLY one that eats a snack while making a snack.

– I always find it awkward when the person who just barely made the elevator notices me holding to “Close” button…

– I’m not as scared to die as I am worried about slipping into a coma. TOO many of my friends have Sharpies.

– My new goal in life is to get everything within arm’s reach of my recliner.

– One of the worst things about texting and driving is how all these people show up out of nowhere on the sidewalk.

– If you can’t fit your Starbucks order into a tweet you’re too white.

– Sooo… I guess all this time I’ve been spelling Xanax backwards.

– I wish there was a one-step program for my 12 addictions…

– I’ve been thinking about beanbag chairs a lot lately… and I’m pretty sure I’m close to being one.

– My Life Alert bracelet just says “Remember to Feed the Dog.”