– There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
– If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
– If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my temper.
– According to ALL hotel ACs, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
– I was the guy in the meetings giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss said “Anybody have anything else to add before we adjourn?”
– OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) mom always said that she’d never find a man dumb enough to marry her. Well, she sure showed her…
– There’s my neighbor, and then there’s my DRUNK neighbor, and one of them tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
– Some guy is going door-to-door to promote his new gym. It’s called “Jehovah’s Fitness.”
– I love how dog food commercials advertise tastier formulas. Like that matters when deciding what to buy and feed a pet who licks it’s own butt.
– 93.6% of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) life is spent telling me something she already told me at least once.
– It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million. How did they stay awake long enough to figure THAT one out?
– No matter what the government says, no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden.
– I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
– I started wearing a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
– So my Chinese neighbor had a kid before her due date. She named him Sudden Lee…
– You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless just because you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone…
– OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) ran over our neighbor’s cat this morning. In fairness, though, the poor thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch…
– Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d probably eat it.
– After about four minutes into any run, I decide to work on my personality instead.
– Megan with an h? Whatever makes you happy, Hmegan….
– Whenever someone uses the phrase “born & bred”, I have to ask them to repeat themselves to make sure they didn’t just say ‘born inbred’… cause they could be from West Virginia.
– I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands and I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
– La Quinta is Spanish for “near a Denny’s.”
– I got a pedicure at Wal*Mart last week. So am I considered upper white trash now???
– The mental hospital I visit has walking trails called psychopaths running through it…
– So as I was leaving Wal*Mart today, I accidentally nicked the car next to me with my door… but they had parked so close, it didn’t leave me much room to get in. It was just a small nick… so I circled it with my key so they could find it.
– I try to avoid any situation where I would have to dance to save my own life.
– Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) hair. It’s a nice way to let her know I love her… and also that we’re out of napkins.
– I’m on a diet. Which means I eat exactly the same as I usually do, only now I feel guilty about it.
– Pilates? Oh heavens, no! I thought you said “Pie and lattes.”
– The only member of my family with a personal trainer is the dog.
– If you’ve ever said “well, that didn’t suck nearly as bad as I thought it would” you’ve just eaten one of OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) dinners.
– My skeletons just told me they need a bigger closet.
– I just saw SPF-125 Sunblock at Wal*Mart. Maybe going outside isn’t for everyone.
– Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
– If you stop and think about it, the first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated pretty quickly.
– Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1.” Me at age 15 “I wish I had $100.” Me at age 25 “I wish I had $1,000,000.” Me at age 50 “I wish I had $1.”