jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

In Case You Missed It… 9-16-2013

– Another little known fact from ThOm… If you throw a baseball and hit the Target logo the store drops into a tank of water.

– I’ve been wanting to tweet about REO Speedwagon for 3 days now, and “I Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore.”

– Sometimes I feel more confused than a mood ring on a paranoid, bi-polar, schizophrenic, chameleon in a bag of Skittles.

– I’d have more respect for the weather man if he just got on camera & said “I have no idea, your guess is as good as mine -go outside & look”

– I had a Chinese neighbor who and had a kid early before its due date… so they named him Sudden Lee.

– Kate on Facebook can’t believe the ordacity of some people. I can’t believe the audacity of people who use big words that they can’t spell.

– Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny. C.S. Lewis

– Wow… my neighbor’s cat is super committed to playing dead. It’s been laying in the yard 3 weeks now…

– I’m proud to advise that the ban in the HR manual on firing a staple gun at anyone who walks into your office bearing work was because of me.

– So my neighbor just broke up with his girlfriend… but she said they are still cousins.

– I get offended when people tell me it’s easy to criticize and tear people down. They have no idea how much effort I put into it.

– My signature move is asking OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) questions on how to do something until she gets frustrated and does it herself.

– So I have this huge zit on my forehead. It’s weird looking, annoying, and won’t go away. I call it Miley…

– If you can’t handle me at my worst, HAHA… the jokes on you cause that’s all there is!

– If you’re a grown man walking around wearing a winter hat that has animal ears, I can tell that at some point people used to take your lunch money.

– My moods don’t just swing – they bounce, pivot, recoil, rebound, oscillate, fluctuate, and occasionally pirouette.

– No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

– So I told OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends… so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.

– How does OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now…

– Just in case… if the police call you and ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.

– I like to go to Starbucks… order coffee… tell them my name is Waldo… and then leave.

– So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) just described some of my shirts as “gay” and I don’t think I’ve ever sashayed out of a room so hard.

– Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. And yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.

– So President Obama turned 52 last month… and Republicans are now trying to muster enough votes to repeal it.

– I like to go to Starbucks… order coffee… tell them my name is Waldo… and then leave.

– Why is it that people like me, with nothing to say, talk so much?

– It’s been a long week… I’m beginning to feel like I look in my driver’s license photo.

– Been trying to come up with a joke for the “Keep Kids Off Drugs” school promotion, but I keep mething up the punch line.

– So it seems OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has had a pan soaking in the sink for “an hour” since I left nine days ago. #domesticgoddess

– I had been single for so long, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) didn’t even need to waste a roofie on me.

– When she met me, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) stopped looking for “the man of her dreams” and settled for the “he’ll do” of her reality.

– Got caught going in for seconds when I thought the sample lady had her back to me. #bannedfromcostco

– I’m sitting here thinking and, honestly, I find it hard to believe that EVERYONE was kung fu fighting.

– Just when you think I can’t get anymore crazy… THAT’S when I can bring stupid to a whole new level. #professional

– Just saw BREAKING NEWS on Fox… turns out Maury IS the father. #babydaddy

– If my “Check Engine” light would take the time to check my “Wallet Status” it would understand why it’s covered with a piece of duct tape…

– The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is an attribute of the strong. – Mahatma Gandhi

– “REALLY?” (My reaction every time my credit card isn’t declined).

– So when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer… it’s art. When I do it… I’m asked to leave Wal*Mart.

– Just so you know… every shirt is a sweat shirt when you’re fat.

– Make SURE your safe word is clear before you start. I had the worst prostate exam of my life last week…

– So is there a separate DMV for clean folks who breath through their nose and clip their nails at home (finger AND toe variety)… because I was obviously in the wrong one today.

– Saw a car w/”Just Marrid!” on the back. Who’s the bigger idiot here: The writer. The Driver. The one “marrid” to the driver.
Yep, the South.

– If at first I don’t succeed… I go back and do it the way OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) TOLD me to do it in the first place.

– I am so poor that my Bologna doesn’t even have a first name…

– Just had an idea for an all female roofing company: All The Shingle Ladies