* My therapist is now claiming she’s not my therapist and she just wants me to pull up to the window. Its gonna be one of THOSE days…
* Hearing about Anthony Weiner on the news every day makes me miss the “Royal Baby” watch.
* Congress is looking to cut USPS losses by ending door-to-door mail delivery. Instead, NSA will just read your mail to you over the phone.
* My basement is full of door to door salesmen I force to fight for their freedom with their own products. Tonight it’s Vacuum Vs Encyclopedia…
* I don’t know why I don’t buy more piñatas. Like right now… I would LOVE to beat the crap out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
* I’ve come to the conclusion that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) definitely just “settled.”
* I tend to come across as very educated about things I make up.
* The government and media need to learn to keep their traps shut. Broadcasting the need to close embassies due to a credible threat is giving the terrorists what they desire the most… attention and publicity.
* I’ve been known to hug until its slightly inappropriate.
* I saw a Darth Vader toy at Wal*mart today. The box said “Choking Hazard.” SWEET!
* After Adam and Eve were kicked out of the Garden of Eden, they raised Cain.
* So I applied to be a news reporter, but I just couldn’t say Shi’ite without laughing uncontrollably…
* Just saw Ali Akbar Raghead Al Qaeda Mohammad at this Love’s Truck Stop. Called the NSA like a good citizen to report it. They said they were already aware… since they had already read this post. #bigbrother
* That awkward moment when you open a can of whoop-ass but don’t check the “best before” date until you’re lying on the ground all confused…
* Would someone PLEASE get on the loud speaker at Wal*Mart and announce the aisle deodorant is on? Please…
* I swear if I see one more person come in this Wal*Mart wearing pajamas I’m going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it.
* You have not lived until a local-yokel at the bus wash corrects your grammar. We are in Lebanon MO tonight… which I pronounced Leb-ah-non (like the country). He laughed… LAUGHED… at me and said its Leb-a-nun. Whatever. I bet he wasn’t even aware there was a country with the same name… dumb noodle-loaf.
* The bureau of Alcohol Tobacco and Firearms sounds like the best job ever… although I may be misunderstanding what they do.
* My fitness goal is to get down to what I told the DMV I weigh.
* If I tell you the plan and you ask “But what if we get arrested?” … you’re outta the posse.
* If good things come to those who wait, I must be THE master of patience.
* That lady and eight kids in front of me at Wal*Mart yesterday made me want to OD on birth control…
* A Brazilian waxing salon named ‘Taint Nothin’