* So I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said “No!” For one thing, our kid is 25…
* Deleting pictures ain’t nearly as therapeutic as the days when you had to burn them.
* The proper way to fold laundry: take out of dryer… dump in basket… open drawer… dump in drawer… close drawer… do Happy Dance.
* I’m not saying I believe in the zombie apocalypse. I’m just saying Wal*Mart.
* The Travel Channel: Reminding me I’m too broke to vacation outside Hickville Holler (Pop 2) since 1987.
* If you look chatty, I’ll wait for the next elevator.
* How does Staples stay in business when all that stuff they sell is free at work?
* I wish some people were smarter so they’d understand my witty insults.
* I’d be in GREAT shape if I ran as much as my mouth.
* If you don’t wave when I let you in front of me in traffic, I will follow you home and scream at you in front of your children.
* I think “Keep Mouth Shut” should be my default setting…
* I spend the majority of my day just trying to remember what I’m supposed to be doing.
* If you’re mowing your lawn at 8:30 in the morning, I’m just going to assume that’s an open invitation to throw bricks at you.
* Some things are better left unsaid… and that’s the stuff I usually blurt out right away.
* So I had to get a load of top soil yesterday. Found out that while many things in this world are dirt cheap, dirt ain’t one of them.
* Everybody really was kung fu fighting… you just weren’t invited.
* Marriage means commitment. But then again, so does insanity.
* I just pulled a muscle stretching. Its hard work being this out of shape.
* It’s amazing how good ice tastes when you add just a splash of Jack Daniels to it.
* Looks like my neighbor will be having surgery on his eye. Something flew out from under the mower yesterday and gave him a detached rectum. Sounds mighty painful.
* I’m sorry I made my neighbor’s kid cry, but in my defense, she really sucks at hopscotch.
* I got nine people at the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) nursing home to sign up and follow me on Twitter. I knew my Metamucil humor routine would come in handy one day.
* To convince OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) that I’m keeping busy, I periodically yell “YOU THINK THIS IS A GAME?” into my phone, then slam down the receiver.
* “I’d hit that” – old people who drive.
* So IF I suffer from chronic dry eye, I’ll just have to suffer because I can’t pronounce the medicine they keep advertising to cure it.
* So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) likes to watch our wedding video backwards. She loves the part where she takes her ring off, walks away from the altar, and leaves with her friends.
* I don’t like to make plans for the day, because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around the courtroom.
* I think I’d probably be pretty good at roll-playing as long as I got to be a crescent…
* I thought you died years ago doesn’t make for good small talk at family reunions.
* I wonder just how much fatter I’d be if I ate and drank everything I see that is supposed to keep you healthy and prevent some disease…?
* So my neighbor suggested the best way for me to take 8-10 strokes PER HOLE off my golf game was to not play. Wish I’d thought of that…
* Found out today you can’t setup a lemonade stand in front of the liquor store. Who knew?
* “CAVITIES? How could I have CAVITIES?” I garble to the dental hygienist through a mouthful of donut…
* It isn’t a successful BBQ until some idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I’m fine by the way.
* I’m bringing pathetic back.
* My garbage can has four magazine subscriptions.
* I like to think of OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
* I wish you could order up Karma like pizza and have it delivered in 30 minutes or less.
* I hadn’t planned on going for a run last night, but then the cops showed up.
* A guy with a locked account just asked me why I never retweet him. Just another reason to stay in school kids.
* You how when you open a bag of chips and your mad its half full… that’s how guys feel about push up bras.
* I think I am pretty good at telling pregnant ladies apart from ones who just have a pot belly. But I will NEVER test this theory.
* All women are crazy. So you might as well find one who is good to look at.
* Even if the lights are off, the open sign is off, and the building is locked, I’ll STILL rattle the door a few times… just in case.
* I need to learn that ‘all you can eat’ is not a personal challenge. Even when you win, you lose.
* I just saw an Interstate worker wearing camouflage with a neon orange vest over it… I’m so confused by this.
* Before I add a status update I pause for a millisecond. Then think “whatever” and press the send button. Thank your gods I was never in charge of missiles during my military career.
* I don’t like telling people I used to be a stalker. It sounds better saying “I spent a lot of time studying a broad.”
* I just misspelled a word so bad that my auto correct blew milk out its nose.
* There just has to be some kind of irony in being hit by a Dodge.
* If there was any award for laziness, I’d probably send someone to pick it up for me.
* So I’m not sure if OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) cooking skills have improved or if my taste buds have just adapted.