* The massive amount of stupid I can cram into 140 characters is downright disturbing and somewhat awe inspiring at the same time.
* Just saw a homeless dude with a sign reading “Hungry Hungry Hobo.” I know… I know… I shouldn’t laugh, but…
* They say milk is good for your teeth. Know what ELSE is good for your teeth? Minding your own dang business.
* Lamp. Clock. Secret Cookie Drawer. OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) Napping Face. OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) Mad Face. (I got a labelmaker on eBay).
* So do people who say “Exercising helps me relax” know about NOT exercising?
* A surprise Vulcan sex move called the Spocker.
* I just answered my door three times due to a woodpecker on my house…
* I try to watch what I eat but, my eyes usually aren’t fast enough.
* It never fails; I wash my truck, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
* I wish losing weight was as easy as losing my mind…
* Soooo… the Green Flag hasn’t even dropped at Daytona and I’m already excited about “the BIG one” that is sure to come.
* Take this as you will coming from me… but it AMAZES me what some people leave the house wearing. And thinkin’ they look GOOD…
* I had a Fan stop by the table and tell me how much he enjoyed my humor. No… REALLY. I gave him two aspirins and told him to call his Doc.
* Just a ThOmservation here… if you already weigh 450 pounds, I’m thinkin’ the sugar-roasted pecans might not be your best choice.
* Yes… with a mic and soundtrack, you TOO can be a gospel singer.
* War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the TV remote with my phone charger cord.
* My favorite heroes are the ones who just do what everybody else should be doing.
* Obama take note… Egypt’s military took less than a day.
* Except for the horses & the high school marching band, these small town parades look remarkably like traffic.
* You can tell a man’s age by how close his socks are to his knees.