* I’ve been out on the road with The @boothbrothers for a couple of months… I now plan to remove “works well under pressure” from my résumé.
* So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently we have hardwood floors?
* It never fails… I always feel sexy at Wal*Mart.
* I hate that all of my best ideas involve jail time.
* The home cooked pizza box says to cook the pizza between 14 and 16 minutes. That’s 15 minutes, right? I’m not reading too much into it?
* I have a condition that I eat when I can’t sleep. Its called Insom-nom-nom-nomnia.
* Could really use more #cowbell this morning…
* I don’t know HOW he does it, but this dog cheats at cards.
* Just for the record, taking me seriously is about as logical as turning to Nicki Minaj for makeup advice.
* So my doctor asked if I was getting any exercise. Then we both laughed… then I cried.
* I pull off some of my best dance moves when I’m getting chased by a wasp.
*Do you think Forrest Gump’s password was 1Forrest1?
* Yes, your secret is safe with me because I don’t care.
* “Jesus loves you” is always a good thing to hear…. unless of course, you are in a Mexican jail.
* I always take a number at the deli, and I’ve been keeping them. Eventually I’ll have all the numbers and I will always be next.
* I’ve decided effective immediately I am only going to tweet about my workouts… so this is my last tweet ever.
* My stupidity is only rivaled by my incompetence.
* I thought I found nipples on my belly today. Turns out my moobs were hanging low…
* I’d like to be more approachable… without being less weird.
* I’ve filled out ER forms that have asked me fewer questions than this gas pump just did.
* Some of you just like to ruin things for everybody else. I’m guessing you were picked last for dodgeball, too.
* Sometimes I look back at old tweets and think about how crazy I was 2 days ago.
* Someone help me here… do you FEED a depression and STARVE an anxiety?
* Don’t misunderstand me… I’m not walking away from the fight because I’m wrong, I’m walking away because I no longer care about proving I’m right.
* I had a lot of things to do today, but eBay was calling and now I have a lot of things to do tomorrow…