* My imaginary friend is wearing his “I’m With Stupid” shirt today.
* I fake doing math in my head until you just give me the answer.
* The first rule of the Breakfast Club: ThOm don’t share no bacon.
* I wish Nyquil bottles came with a bendy straw.
* Is there a gentle way to tell people that I don’t want to speak to their babies on the phone EVER again?
* Call me old fashioned, but I think it should be mandatory that you have at LEAST most of your teeth to be interviewed on TV.
* Please help to eliminate and abolish redundancy.
* Took Tylenol-3 w/Codeine last night. Woke up at the end of the bed, pj’s hanging off one leg, drooling. Yep… I’ll be doing that again.
* You have your kid on a leash and I’M the jerk for asking you if he does any tricks?
* Cleanliness is second to godliness? That can’t be right. I think my dictionary is probably just missing a lot of pages in between.
* Hey Starbucks, can I just order a coffee, or do I HAVE to buy Rosetta Stone first?
* “You don’t know what it was like man…you weren’t there.” – Me trying to explain the Obama administration to my future grandchild.
* I saw you from a distance and I think we should keep it that way.
* Its days like today that remind me why they denied me that concealed carry permit.
* One day we will look back on this, laugh nervously, and change the subject.
* Once again, reality continues to ruin my life.
* Sometimes I say/type stuff and I don’t really know what it means… And by sometimes, I mean usually. And by usually, I mean always.
* Your life will become much more manageable when you learn to give back more than you receive.
* I want to be the reason you have to refill your prescriptions.
* If you’re ever asked how many hotdogs is one too many at @sonicdrive_in on National Hotdog Day… I’m pretty sure that number is 19.
* Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room and forget why you’re there wearing a wedding dress?
* I have never rebounded gracefully from “Sorry, it’s been declined.”