* Can’t we all just get along? Hahahahaha, just kidding. We can’t.
* At this point, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) would be happy to settle for a Splenda daddy.
* Thankful I’m not having to date these days… I have enough trouble getting into my own pants.
* “I’m going to do some yoga” is just a lie I like to tell.
* “We must learn to live as brothers or we will perish together as fools.” Dr Martin Luther King, Jr.
* If Twinkies think they can just come crawling back to me like nothing even happened… they’re absolutely correct.
* I saw you from a distance and I think we should keep it that way.
* If you have anything to say, now would be a perfect time to keep it to yourself.
* My hobbies include making parties awkward and burning the roof of my mouth eating pizza.
* Based on my coverage and signal strength, I’m pretty sure my cell phone carrier is pigeon.
* If OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) ever asks you if you know what your problem is, don’t answer. It’ll only make it worse.
* I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
* Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
* How does OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for lunch and I’m eating it now…
* I don’t usually sleep enough, but when I do, it’s still not enough.
* I caught my neighbor lying through his tooth again…
* A wise man once said absolutely nothing. ThOmism
* Don’t lose sleep… Twinkies aren’t really smaller. The people eating them are larger.
* Gay marriage bill clears Britain’s House of Lords. Shocking news from a group of men who go to work in wigs and dresses.
* Why is patience a virtue? Why can’t “hurry the heck up” be a virtue?
* My life can be summed up in three words: It got weird. Put that on my tombstone.
* I’m pretty exhausted… I just completed eight sets of Diddly Squats.
* There is someone that I love even though I don’t approve of what he does. There is someone I accept though some of his thoughts and actions revolt me. There is someone I forgive though he hurts the people I love the most. That person is… me. C.S Lewis
* If you don’t have a syndrome named after you you’re not trying hard enough.
* I’m 99% sure you think I’m weird. And I’m 100% sure I don’t care.
* One of the worst feelings ever is waking up next to someone and not being able to remember their name, or how you met, or why they’re dead.
* Politicians and the media do not lie… they strategically misinform you.
* It seems marriages today are arranged like mortgages: “Wanna lock in for 3 or 5 years?
* I feel bad for OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) at parties when somebody asks ‘who brought this guy’ she always has to shamefully raise her hand.
* Was learning cursive really necessary?
* It’s Tuesday… a beautiful blue sky… grass is ankle deep… I need to post stuff on eBay… I need to clean the garage… so golf it is.
* So I birdied the first hole already (IF it was a Par 8, that is…).
* Only in ThOm Golf is a machete standard equipment…
* So Paula Dean was on TV trying to apologize… MORE… and Kanye interrupted her. It was like deja vu or something…
* I set unrealistically low standards for myself and am still constantly disappointed.
* Always a pallbearer, never a pall…
* Just what, exactly, do people with spinning, flashing, inflatable, Christmas lawn ornaments think is tacky?
* Everything I say is subject to change due to mental instability.
* I’ve got class. It’s more like lower trailer park class, but still.
* I’m running low on Tweet material… sounds like a trip to Wal*Mart is in store.