* Don’t judge someone just because they sin differently than you…
* When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I’m on The Price is Right.
* I bet all of you are the wrong crowd my parents were always warning me about.
* If good things come to those who wait… then wouldn’t that make procrastination a virtue?
* I have WAY too many out-loud conversations with myself to ever be considered mentally stable.
* My entire life is just me “winging it.”
* FYI… people in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo. Apparently.
* And just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair.
* There is no “i” in “stupid.” No. Wait…
* So this morning… I pushed too hard against my eardrum with a Q-tip and reset my brain.
* After what happened to Lance Armstrong, I’m kinda wondering if they are gonna come after my bowling trophies.
* Word to the wise… NEVER rob an Ikea store because they make you put all the money in the bag yourself.
* I try and use use words like ‘perpendicular’ when I language at people so they think I is good with vocabularying.
* My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I’ve only got 40 pounds to go…
* I got kicked out of the procrastinators club when I showed up for our first meeting.
* I bought a new medical bracelet that says “In case of emergency, delete browser history.”
* How much better would life be if car air bags were filled with confetti…?
* Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
* So now, when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I simply tell them, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
* I got a Male Order Bride once. It was the worst and most expensive typo I’ve ever paid for.
* I have decided to leave my past behind me, so If I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on.
* Was SO relieved to find out I’m not the devil. I read the tag on my drawers incorrectly; it said “Satin.”
* The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
* I hope to die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
* So apparently “air drying” after a shower is frowned upon. And in hindsight… mowing the lawn could have waited.
* People at work used to tell me I had a lot of patience. Fact is… there were just way too many witnesses around.
* So this morning OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) said she’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster… so I unplugged it.
* Business idea: a home surgery kit called Suture Self.
* I always wonder what the nurse’s reaction is like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
* Yeah… OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) doesn’t mind me flirting with other women. She finds the rejection quite entertaining.
* So I found out today that “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
* So I’m thinkin’ cereal mascot must be a dead end job or Captain Crunch would be Colonel Crunch by now.
* My tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed me.
* Gyms are full of people that just haven’t found the right couch yet.
* So as it turns out, those miniature liquor bottles aren’t for babies… and now my neighbor says I can’t be the God Father.