jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

In Case You Missed It… 7-1-2013

* If you’re sick of seeing the same tweets, tweeted, and retweeted… follow me. NO ONE retweets me.

* If you want a free cup of coffee, start counting out $5 in change while standing in line ahead of me…

* I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

* If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, just say your stupid stuff really loudly.
Apparently that makes people listen.

* Today is the seventh day without Wal*Mart. Sweating profusely… head aches… hands are very shaky… may have to break down and go visit.

* Nostalgia sure ain’t what it used to be.

* It’s a shame that all my greatest Tweets are 141 characters long…

* So I just caught OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) eyeing me up and down and uttering… “You are one LUCKY guy.”

* My ultimate goal would be to make a Jehovah’s Witness lose their temper.

* You’re never too old to throw random items in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.

* All you really need to know is yes I have, yes I can, and yes I will.

* I can still remember how quickly my dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course.”

* This whole working at home thing is really making drinking on the job a lot easier.

* OK! I’m sorry!! How was I to know my neighbor has the only cat that doesn’t land on it’s feet…

* I have progressed past “Love Handles” and now sport “Rodeo Grips.”

* One of the ‘World’s Strongest Man’ events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.

* If you are looking for a good time, call someone else because I’m eating mac-n-cheese with a spatula out of the pan.

* If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that works…