* If you’re sick of seeing the same tweets, tweeted, and retweeted… follow me. NO ONE retweets me.
* If you want a free cup of coffee, start counting out $5 in change while standing in line ahead of me…
* I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
* If you don’t have anything intelligent to say, just say your stupid stuff really loudly.
Apparently that makes people listen.
* Today is the seventh day without Wal*Mart. Sweating profusely… head aches… hands are very shaky… may have to break down and go visit.
* Nostalgia sure ain’t what it used to be.
* It’s a shame that all my greatest Tweets are 141 characters long…
* So I just caught OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) eyeing me up and down and uttering… “You are one LUCKY guy.”
* My ultimate goal would be to make a Jehovah’s Witness lose their temper.
* You’re never too old to throw random items in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
* All you really need to know is yes I have, yes I can, and yes I will.
* I can still remember how quickly my dreams went from “Astronaut” or “Doctor” to “What’s the lowest I can get to pass this course.”
* This whole working at home thing is really making drinking on the job a lot easier.
* OK! I’m sorry!! How was I to know my neighbor has the only cat that doesn’t land on it’s feet…
* I have progressed past “Love Handles” and now sport “Rodeo Grips.”
* One of the ‘World’s Strongest Man’ events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.
* If you are looking for a good time, call someone else because I’m eating mac-n-cheese with a spatula out of the pan.
* If I’m ever on life support, unplug me. Then plug me back in and see if that works…