* Now I’m not a doctor, but if you have a baby and didn’t know you were pregnant, then you should probably consider losing a few pounds.
* It saddens me to see elderly people at Wal*Mart on their scooters when the TV commercial says they could be at the Grand Canyon…
* If you think there’s no such thing as a stupid question, then you haven’t seen my Google history.
* I use proper syntax and punctuation on all of my tweets, unless I am in danger of exceeding the 140 character limit… & then u no how it b
* In the very near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
* After a week at Destin FL, I’ve decided there needs to be a new college course: “Tan” and “Orange” – Two Very Different Colors…
* Somewhere… in a parallel universe… a small toe is beating the crap out of a coffee table.
* I’m starting to think some of you don’t understand metaphors. Or irony. Or sarcasm Or how to fold fitted sheets.
* I haven’t seen a beatin’ like that since somebody stuck a banana in my pants and turned a monkey loose.
* My next ER report will read, “pinched nerve in neck trying to lick nipple for Instagram pic.”
* If humans were required to do mating dances in order to procreate white people would be extinct by now.
* Soooo… apparently, singing “Another One Bites the Dust” at Aunt Lucy’s funeral was ‘rude’ & ‘insensitive’.
* One of the duties of being a best friend is to immediately clear your computer history if you were to die unexpectedly.
* I’m not telling you how to think… I’m just asking that you occasionally try performing the activity.
* WOW! I just parked so bad I thought about keying my own car…