* You know it’s a bad day when a package comes marked “damaged goods” & the driver didn’t even need your address.
* I’m not saying she’s a slut… All I’m saying is that she has had more balls in her mouth than Hungry Hungry Hippos.
* You can pretty much tell when you’re on the right track; it’s usually uphill.
* Just so you know, my imaginary friend thinks you have serious mental problems.
* To find yourself, think for yourself. ~ Socrates (I always do whatever he says).
* I either eat nothing or eat everything… there is no in between.
* I’m working to improve my curb appeal.
* I’m glad there are 26 letters in the alphabet since my “Plan A” seldom works as intended…
* EVERY week is Shark Week to a baby seal.
* As Abraham Lincoln once said, “Wait a minute — I never said this.”
* For it to be a channel that’s supposed to be about gambling, BET sure does show a lot of “Moesha” reruns.
* OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tried cooking something from scratch today, but ended up summoning a demon.
* I’ll never be too mature to laugh at the ketchup bottle making a fart sound.
* Terrible pick up line 937: Blink twice if you won’t scream without the duct tape.
* One of my greatest fears is sitting in front of thousands of people while my Google search history is being read aloud…
* If Westboro Baptist Church pickets my funeral, I’ve obviously done something right with my life.
* Supervision. Not as cool as it sounds.
* I’ve just been accused of being ‘a plagiarist’! Their words, not mine…