~ I just had a seizure trying to pronounce surreptitiously…
~ I don’t have an anger problem. And if you say I do, I’ll burn your house to the ground and destroy everything you’ve ever loved.
~ So I’ve come to the conclusion that there’s probably not enough time in this life to ‘get my act together.’
~ Nothing makes me more depressed than how much scrolling is necessary to find my birth year on a web form.
~ I’d watch basketball more, if it didn’t sound like someone making a balloon animal.
~ Apparently there’s been an outbreak of Whooping Cough, which is not good. I am, however, hoping for an outbreak of Whooping Ass, which would be pretty cool.
~ Every so often you come across a person who always smiles no matter what… and that person is the reason why random bitch slaps should be a thing.
~ I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.
~ It really makes me depressed to know that I don’t really have a stegosaurus, but rather just a very pissed off cat with Doritos super-glued to his back.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) asked me if she should sign up for the 401k at work, but I told her there’s no way she can run that far.
~ How long do you have to be awake before you can take your first nap of the day? It’s been a rough four minutes.
~ Trying to write and my thoughts are so dead on here that I just wrote a tumbleweed.
~ So I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) a question 27 min ago… and she’s still answering it.
~ Should I ever get trapped camping on the mountain and freeze to death tell my family I died doing what I love: complaining.
~ Wow! Nobody in traffic right now knows how close they just came to dying because I thought a ladybug was a bee. I urge you to go home and kiss your kids.
~ When I was 15, I never envisioned how much time I’d spend in the future waiting outside in the cold to pick up my dog’s poop.
~ I’m stuck in the express lane of life while holding too many items.
~ So OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color.
~ I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
~ I bet the guy that was looking forward to his next life and came back reincarnated as me is really disappointed.
~ I remember being crushed as a kid to learn that a dodecahedron is a shape with 12 sides and not a dinosaur.
~ Great. The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
~ Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) hair. It’s a nice way to let her know I love her… and also that were out of napkins.
~ I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are… and I end the safety message with “Just in case I crash again.”
~ I’ve been trying to comfort my neighbor that I’m sure her new boyfriend doesn’t hate her… since he takes a long time to reply to her letters and blames it on the “prison mail system.”
~ My four main food groups: 1. Canned 2. Frozen 3. Drive-thru 4. Fried
~ In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
~ If there’s a pistachio that’s difficult to open, I’ll just move right on to another because life is short and so is my damn temper.
~ According to the hotel A/C, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
~ A spider jumped on OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) which made her stumble backwards and fall over the ottoman. Oh how I laughed! And I’m Tweeting this from the guest bedroom…
~ OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) parents always said that she’d never find a man dumb enough to marry her. Well, she sure showed them…
~ Some guy is going door-to-door to promoting a new local gym… called “Jehovah’s Fitness.”
~ Considering you can be anything you want on the Internet, I’m amazed how many choose to be stupid.
~ I just saved a TON of money on my car insurance… by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.
~ You can save your breath… I’m not telling anyone you said “Hi.”