~ I feel great today and that’s unsettling because now I’m out of excuses for being so unproductive.
~ If there were a contest for procrastinators, I’d never get around to entering it.
~ For future reference: don’t wear six road flares and an alarm clock on your belt to the airport.
~ Based on the current rate pants are sagging, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
~ If the word “famous” appears in your bio, you likely aren’t.
~ “Aaaa!” “Eeee!” “Iiiiiiii!” “Oooo!” “Uuuu!” “YYYY???” — Irritable Vowel Syndrome
~ I just apologized to OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
~ If you ever hear me say I missed you… it’s only because my aim was off.
~ I used to set my screensaver to a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss didn’t notice when I hadn’t moved my mouse in an hour.
~ They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says “Eating Doritos”.
~ So I make ONE mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
~ If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
~ I just called to get my credit score and I heard laughing in the background. Sounds like a cool place to work.
~ If this house doesn’t get cleaned soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded people for a Frebreeze commercial.
~ My next-door neighbor just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly crapped her pants…
~ I’m SO lucky OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard.
~ To impress her co-workers, OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) tells them she is married to an artist. She DOESN’T tell them my preferred medium is sandwiches.
~ Another helpful ThOm Tip: You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
~ My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
~ If your wife says, “What would you do without me?” “Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer. And on a related note: Brrrr… it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
~ The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing.
~ Looks like I’m vegan until OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) next paycheck.
~ War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the TV remote with my phone charger cord.
~ So I was sitting in my truck eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go: “Here, we have The Fat Man in his natural habitat…”
~ I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
~ I get really pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… today’s job interview didn’t go very well.
~ Every time this item gets shared a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
~ Are you okay? You seem stupid.
~ Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but ONLY white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
~ I don’t know how women do it. Every time I tried to “sleep my way to the top” I got woken up and sent to HR.
~ I asked OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “Why do you love me?” and she shrugged. So I asked her “Why do you find me annoying?” and she revealed a power point presentation, six spreadsheets, and a pie chart.
~ If you piss me off in the grocery store, I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
~ One problem with autocorrect is that you always end up posting some thong that you didn’t Nintendo.
~ Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
~ Removed my spanx shorts and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
~ My neighbor told his 5 year old that he was allowed to choose one item from the grocery store… so they came home with a cart.
~ When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
~ My spirit animal is fried chicken.
~ I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has Wi-Fi?
~ The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.
~ Starbucks has announced that guns are no longer allowed in their stores. I wonder if banks will ever think of this.
~ I went past a Hallmark movie as was flipping channels and the blood sugar spike sent me into a coma.
~ I think some folks are correct to have a low self esteem.
~ I’m a bad decision waiting to happen.
~ There’s just no way I can go back to carpeted floors. Sliding down the hallway in my socks is too big a part of who I am.
~ I’m pretty sure some of my tweets qualify me to receive a handicap-parking sticker.
~ I was dyslexic as a child and the only thing on my Christmas list was for Satan to bring me a god.
~ I’m beginning to notice a correlation between a person’s level of volume and their stupidity.