~ “If you LIKE your weekend, you can KEEP your weekend…Period.”
~ Replace Sebelius with Incognito. There, I fixed it. Via @DennisDMZ
~ I had a really cool wristband for Leprosy Awareness, but it fell off.
~ I just figured out how many Cheetos is too many Cheetos.
And on an unrelated topic: I have an orange body outline on my bed.
~ I’ve never adopted a highway but I have foster parented some dirt roads. Via @IGotsSmarts
~ So just because my neighbor says she wants Five Guys does not mean she is kinky. Oops.
~ Is it just me, or should some really smart television producer introduce the people from “American Pickers” to the people from “Hoarders”?
~ Just an FYI… everything sounds like “mmhrrfgh” through Duct Tape. That is all.
~ I was told today to look at my life from a different perspective. I’m now lying on the floor and things still look screwed up.
~ Hey people who take all the stuff I post literally… you know you’re crazy, right?
~ Some people lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
~ Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually, I get my shorts on.
~ I could swallow a TON of magnets still not be attractive.
~ Revenge is never as satisfying as you’d hope… and the cops always come sooner then you expect.
~ Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now Carlton has to leave. Sorry dawg.
~ If a dentist makes his money off unhealthy teeth,why should I trust a toothbrush 4 out of 5 dentist approve?
~ Kid: Dad, am I adopted? Me: Yeah, like I’d have picked you?
~ I’ve read over the symptoms 137 times in a row and I’m sure I don’t have OCD.
~ So much obesity… so little Wal*Mart aisle space.
~ I’m very “crafty”… but I don’t make things.
~ Obama now blaming “that lying prompter!” There are people in dialysis less dependent on machinery than Obama. Via Dennis Miller
~ I’m thankful. That is all.
~ Where does FaceBook find these “People I May Know?” I haven’t known one yet…
~ To those who said I’d never amount to much in life… good call.
~ I have a new Reality Show coming out… it’s called American Idle.
~ Why does my FACE look like that!?” ~ Me every time I see a pic of myself.
~ Where have I been? Is this Mother Angelica a new show? Or have I just been missing out?