– I always keep a flask full of 100 proof whiskey and a bottle of Xanax on me because I never know when OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) will try and parallel park.
– It’s wrong to judge people. Unless you can just tell by looking at them that they’re a butthead.
– My updated resume is really just a list of crap I hope I never have to do again.
– I know I make it look easy, but being ignored is much harder than it looks.
– Behind every great nickname is a great screw up.
– WOW!! I had no idea… NO IDEA… the numbers on our bathroom scale went that high. I actually got dizzy watching them spin.
– My parents gave me genes that don’t fit right…
– It’s actually really hard being this narcissistic… people should be more understanding.
– If by ‘eating disorder’ you mean ‘can’t stop eating anything and everything’ then yes, I have an eating disorder.
– Oh, your son is 73 months old. That’s cool. I literally have no idea if he’s five or forty two…
– If wang chung is outlawed only outlaws will wang chung.
– Let’s get this week started off with MORE COWBELL!!
– On a scale of man-nipples to car alarms, how useless is Congress?
– So this Lady in a Lexus at the next pump was bitching about gas prices on a gold iPhone holding a Starbucks. Long story short I need bail money…
– When you ask us not to be judgmental yet you’ve misspelled judgmental, you’ve sorta painted us into a corner, now haven’t you?
– Just stop for a second and imagine what would happen if everybody did, indeed, Wang Chung tonight.
– You can have your 26.2 and 13.1… I’m stickin’ with my 0.0.
– Everyday I try to not be the raging lunatic that I know I am… and I don’t think my efforts are ever completely appreciated by each of you.
– If you’ve been wondering what that smell is for more than 10minutes, it’s probably you.
– I love having the A/C on BoB (the Big ‘ol Bus) set to “Penguin.”
– The country wouldn’t be in this mess if Col. Sanders was still around.
– America, America if we spent as much time loving and forgiving as we do hating and finger pointing then all of our problems would be solved.
– Until further notice, all members of Congress should be forced to text and drive.
– I’m researching to see if there is a path to killer abs via enchiladas…
– Always strive to be more than you think you can be…
– A new horror movie coming out… the beautiful vixen finds out the love of her life is… a… Democrat. Arghhhhhhh…
– I’m pretty busy today so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself, that would be a huge help. Thanks in advance…
– I just found out how to burn 800 calories in 30 minutes… leave the pizza in the oven too long.
– Not sure if everything is expensive… of if I’m just poor.
– I can’t tell if I’m dealing better with life these days or if I just don’t give a crap anymore…
– Oh no. We run out of money at midnight. The government will shut down. The sky if falling. Folks… we are $16 TRILLION in debt. We ran out of money a LONG time ago.
– There’s nothing better than lounging around in your underwear reading a good book. I just hate when the librarian threatens to call the cops…
– Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
– So when Miley Cyrus gets naked and licks a hammer… it’s art. When I do it… I’m asked to leave Wal*Mart.