– I wouldn’t call what OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) does ‘cooking’ so much as its ‘finding new things to melt cheese on’.
– I hate when somebody words a tweet gooder than me.
– I tried to do a handshake with my coolest black friend and ended up wrapped up like an interracial pretzel.
– It’s OK to be a failure. Everyone needs to find the level of success that’s right for them; in some cases, that just happens to be none.
– I wish I loved anything as much as people love tweeting about things they wished they loved.
– Radio Logic: Let’s stop our music to tell you about our non-stop music.
– I don’t want to live in a world where I can’t have the meat from 3 different animals on a single sandwich.
– As it turns out there ARE enough hours in the day, I’m just not interested in using them productively.
– Most of life’s problems could be solved with a giant slingshot.
– Blonde neighbor: Did you know that a butterfly only lives for two days? Me: I think that’s a myth. Blonde neighbor: No it’s definitely a butterfly.
– If I had a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you.
– So your baby needs a costume for Halloween, huh? Wrap it in tin foil… baked potato. Next question.
– I scream. You scream. We all scream. Yeah… I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
– A full pie pan is a single serving to me… its all in the perception.
– The older I get, the hotter I used to be.
– There’s nothing more comfy than putting on underwear right out of the dryer. Plus, guessing who in the laundromat they belong to is a blast.
– Wind chimes. Something I’ve never purchased. Can’t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what’d be nice? Noise.
– I’d seriously take a (Nerf) bullet for you…
– The worst part about being a functioning idiot is the whole “functioning” part.
– Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
– Wal*Mart is basically just a garage sale with lots of security.
– I’m going to open a Mexican restaurant staffed entirely by midgets. It’ll be called it Oompa Chalupas.
– Just watched some idiot spend 10 minutes trying to vacuum up a gum wrapper instead of just picking it up. JK. It was me. I’m so lazy.
– Who’s up for halfsies on a Disorderly Conduct charge?
– I used the restroom at Cabela’s once … and that’s about as close to camping as I’ve ever been.
– Trying to remember which apps I had on my old phone so I can put them on my new iPhone 4C. So far I’m up to none…
– If the Febreeze commercials with the rooms filled with rotting garbage inspire you to buy Febreeze… you might consider cleaning yo’ house.
– How did people know who was cool before sunglasses were invented?
– So I showed some kids how to do a swan dive… and that’s why I’m not allowed back at the aquarium.
– OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) saved my life insurance company $1M dollars by switching to Xanax.
– … and so anyway, that’s how I got kicked off the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood HOA board.
– Apparently some of you folks have been spelling teiamwork wrong.
– GTA 5 debuts and the entire government shuts down. Cooincidence?
– I am not sarcastic. I’m intelligent beyond your comprehension.
– One day I hope to find a way to un-know things about my neighbors.
– Why are they called solo cups when they come in packs of 50?
– Nine out of ten of my bus riders are wondering what the bus just ran over and what happened to the tenth rider.
– My body type could be best described as “sir, please put your shirt back on.”
– I think there’s a shopping hotness scale. At Abercrombie I’m a low 2 and at Target I’m maybe a 4. But at Wal-Mart I’m Brad Pitt. I’ll take it.
– If you have to ask yourself “What the hell was I thinking” more than twice a day, we can definitely be friends.
– I don’t care what your IQ is. As long as you make me look smart, that’s all that matters.