jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

Annual Performance Report Reviews

In the military, as in most jobs, your job performance is reviewed at some point. Usually annually if not more often. As such, during my 28 year career, I received numerous job reviews. I have them all saved, along with other pertinent items, in binders and I like to review them infrequently to try and glean tidbits that may help make me a better person now.

Sometimes, a certain phrase catches my eye and makes me wonder what I was doing to make the reviewer describe me in such a way. Here are a few of my favorites:

(1) “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom… and has started to dig.”
(2) “His men would follow him anywhere… but only out of morbid curiosity.”
(3) “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
(4) “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a definite ‘won’t be’.”
(5) “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
(6) “When he opens his mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”
(7) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”
(8) “This young man has delusions of adequacy.”
(9) “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
(10) “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
(11) “This employee should go far… and the sooner he starts the better.”
(12) “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”
(13) “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”
(14) “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”
(15) “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”
(16) “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”
(17) “He’s been working with glue too much.”
(18) “He would argue with a signpost.”
(19) “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”
(20) “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”
(21) “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”
(22) “If you see two people talking and one looks bored… he’s the other one.”
(23) “A photographic memory, but with the lens cover glued on.”
(24) “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”
(25) “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”
(26) “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”
(27) “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”
(28) “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”
(29) “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”
(30) “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”
(31) “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”
(32) “One neuron short of a synapse.”
(33) “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”
(34) “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”
(35) “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”

Yeah… just reading these helps me understand why I was never selected for Employee of the Month.

And that’s MY take.