jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind

A barking dog, a neighbor, and Citronella … 6-27-2018

So the neighbor next door had been complaining that our dog, Mr Beauregard, had been barking. A lot. And he does have a tendency to do so. A lot. But it’s normally only when he sees something to bark AT. Which is normally … a lot.

Now I hate the electric zapping bark collars, so I purchased a humane citronella collar. It’s designed so when a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don’t like it.

Last night I was getting the collar ready and filled it with the citronella liquid. And that’s where my evening should have ended. But no, it’s me, and I became curious as to “how” the collar actually worked.

So I’m standing by my back door “barking” at my dog’s collar. Nothing happens. I make sure it’s turned on, check the fill level, and go through the “getting started” check list one more time. Again, I bark. And again, nothing happens.

Now I’m not quite sure, why I had this next thought, but I did … I put the collar on. I seriously extended the band and fit the growl box against my throat and barked. Apparently, the collar only works if it feels vibrations, because I immediately received a blast of citronella to the face.

I began coughing, which only caused the flipping thing to continue squirting bug spray over and over and over into my nasal cavity. I’m now on my hands and knees, in my back yard, trying to breathe, and to make matters worse, the dog is barking. So between coughing and yelling at him to shut up, I’ve emptied over a dozen blasts of citronella to my face.

During all of this ruckus, I’m trying to undo the clasp of the collar, which has somehow managed to weld shut during this whole fiasco.
I finally get the collar off and threw, yes I threw that inhumane sucker across the yard, and lay in the grass sucking in the humid evening air.

In the middle of thinking this is probably the dumbest thing I’ve done in a while, I hear laughter. MY NEIGHBOR SAW THE WHOLE THING! She was laughing so damn hard SHE couldn’t breathe. Between gasps, she tells me, “I was gonna come help, but every time I started to climb over the fence, you’d set it off again and then I would start laughing and couldn’t make it.”

So now, not only are my eyes red, but my face and ears are too. After checking to make sure I was ok, we parted ways and I went in to shower so I wouldn’t smell like ode de’ Tiki Torch.

Lessons learned: next time (yes, there will always be a next time with me) make sure that:
1. Don’t fill the collar before trying to set it off.
and …
2. Remember your neighbor is not a good source of help in a critical crisis situation.

On the plus side, I won’t have a mosquito problem for a few days!