jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 7-27-2019

~ You can imagine my disappointment when an email with the subject line “inflatable amusements” turned out to be about kid’s toys.

~ Even when I know what I did wrong, I still just do it that way again anyway.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has considered replacing me with YouTube how-to videos.

~ I nearly bought the “whole grain” Ritz crackers today. Be careful out there!

~ I gave my personal trainer 1/5 stars because he wanted me to move around. A lot. Would not recommend.

~ You can be anything you want to be. That’s how delusions work.

~ NOTE: Eggs come out of the carton left to right … NOT all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.

~ Things were looking pretty bleak today … until I remembered that I can buy an ice cream cake whenever I want.

~ My high school guidance counselor never told me how much of my adult life would be spent looking for the correct Tupperware lid.

~ I looked up on WebMD about my right toe being numb today. It appears I have prostate cancer.

~ I’ve been thinking of starting a petition to rename the month after “March” to “Stop Marching.”

~ I don’t think of it as lying as much as telling a pretend truth.

~ When I was 8, there was no cash for summer camp so I was sent to an orphanage. Luckily I was still there in September when they came back to get me.

~ I mailed off $29.95 for a NEW AMAZING MIRACLE DIET that I saw advertised. I received a piece of paper with this typed on it: Don’t eat near as much as you do right now.

~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.

~ Look, if it makes you feel any better … I’m disappointed in me, too.

~ The amount of time I spend cleaning the house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.

~ It’s 2019 and I’m watching someone write a check at The Wal*Marts. This is why we can’t have nice things.

~ I think Hallmark needs a “Sorry I look like this naked” sympathy card.

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