~ I wish all these medicine commercials would stop telling all the side effects… I like to be surprised.
~ One of the perks to being married is that OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) signs all the birthday and Christmas cards for me.
~ I am known at the gym as the “before picture.”
~ Just a heads up… playing a board game with me will probably end in a knife fight. And I don’t care if it’s CandyLand or Risk.
~ It’s amazing the conversations you hear over breakfast at the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) diner. A lady at the adjacent table was complaining about reaching that age where she has to sleep in a bra so she doesn’t wake up with deodorant on her nipples. Yep… not many topics are sacred or off limits around here.
~ I always hated when a perfectly good weekday was ruined by having to go to work.
~ I frequently look back on my life and impress myself that I’m still alive.
~ I secretly race old people when I’m walking in the mall. I’m undefeated. It’s like they aren’t even trying.
~ Two out of three psychiatrists agree: I refuse to pay them.
~ Spotted on Craig’s List: For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me…
~ I am 100% sure that if the guy in the Wal*Mart checkout line today was a cartoon, there would be stink lines coming off him.
~ I once lived in a Costco for 5 years.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) refers to me as her “50 shades of I ain’t jack.”
~ The roof of my mouth is nearly healed from a Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
~ When I don’t have anything nice to say, I just say it anyway. That’s where my best stuff comes from.
~ If you are in downtown Hickville Holler (Pop 2) at the moment, chances are that I WANT TO RUN OVER YOU FOR BEING SO STUPID WHAT IS WRONG WITH ALL OF YOU…
~ Sometimes, after a nap, I like to have another nap.
~ My TrailerHood neighbor just yelled Alpha Male and pointed to himself. He’s crazy as anything, but he has no idea I’ve accepted the challenge. Oh yeah… it’s ON!
~ Shows say they contain “adult situations” but they don’t show anyone crying in their car for an hour before and after work.
~ “I see you got a new haircut” not followed by a compliment is a cowardly insult.
~ I’ll hold up the drive-thru line when the dollar menu item doesn’t pass my quality control.
~ If I were a therapist I’d be all like, “Shut the hell up already.”
~ I’m not sure who’s more uncomfortable… people who actually need vaginal cream or literally everyone watching the commercial.
~ On a scale of 1 to getting rid of evidence, how guilty would I look buying trash bags at the gas station?
~ I think that 30 miles after my fuel light comes on, there should be a 2nd light that comes on that says, “DUDE… I mean it.”
~ My sole anti-aging strategy is to never buy a carpeted toilet seat cover.
~ When a 2 year old wears his PJs to Wal*Mart at 1pm, it’s “adorable,” but when I do, it’s “Omfg did you forget your meds, ThOm??”
~ The older you are, the more questions you have for the waiter.
~ OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) diet for me can best be summed up as, “Eat this before it goes bad.”
~ The best relationships are built on sarcasm.
~ My Dad served during two wars and never needed Siri.