~ I’m not fat … I’m just under-tall for my weight.
~ I once quit a job as a psychic due to unforeseen circumstances.
~ I find it sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough.
~ If you don’t wash your hair for weeks it starts to clean itself. I can now personally attest this is not the case with underwear.
~ To me, the cowbell isn’t just an instrument … it’s a lifestyle.
~ I went by the gym today. Its still there.
~ I wish life gave me lemons instead of depression and anxiety.
~ I had a nightmare last night that competitive pizza eating isn’t a real sport.
~ If you put a Kardashian crotch near your ear you can hear an NBA game.
~ Shout out to ATM fees for making me buy my own money …
~ I’m the picture of mental stability … IF that picture was drawn by a 3-year-old with ADHD and a broken crayon.
~ There is a better than 88% chance my chalk outline will be holding some kind of food.
~ It was like no one in the library wanted to hear me sing yesterday.
~ Thank god for new people who don’t know what’s wrong with me yet.
~ The thug life … but with a bendy straw.
~ If you can afford to pay for a life coach, then you probably don’t need a life coach.
~ Why do people say they were “sick to their stomach” as if I needed clarification … like they might’ve been “sick to their leg” or something.
~ The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
~ Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful … not when I have so many other choices.
~ I am a ray of sunshine to some folks … in the sense that long-term exposure to me will slowly kill you.