~ I haven’t achieved much financially. Big deal. The important thing is: I’m not happy either.
~ Ten years ago, I wouldn’t have pictured myself eating Cheetos out of a bedpan while watching a WW2 documentary like I am right now.
~ I just tried to put my plate in the washing machine. In case you’re looking for a life coach.
~ Our kitchen is basically just a banana graveyard.
~ I cannot be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
~ A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just “forgets to eat,” so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
~ I never use my blinker… it’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
~ Here it is Tax Day and my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor finally finished his taxes. He’s getting $1.3 billion dollars back and somehow owns Puerto Rico.
~ Your lunch tab says “Caesar Salad,” but your bikini says “Entire dessert menu at the Cheesecake Factory.”
~ I’m pretty much in a constant state of “recalculating route” mode…
~ If I’m wrestling you and you’re not wrestling back, why did you even come to my surprise wrestle party?
~ If you think you’re part of the solution, you’re normally part of the problem.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor wrote his own wedding vows Saturday. Not sure trying to incorporate the words “weight loss” was such a good idea.
~ I wake up and can already smell the failure.
~ National Junk Food Day? Like my fat azz needs a reason.
~ I’m at the age where my idea of a “good time” is a nap.
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) didn’t understand me. I know she didn’t understand me because if she did understand me, she’d be making that face she makes when she understands me and just before she punches me.
~ I’ve always wanted to walk up to a stranger and hand them a briefcase and say, “You know what to do…”