~ You don’t win friends with salad.
~ When smacking your gut, how many flesh ripples does it take to qualify as obese?
~ Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can’t even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.
~ Whatever the opposite of a hunger strike is … I’m on that.
~ My new retirement plan is to just travel across the country robbing liquor stores while wearing a Dolly Parton wig. Oh … and play the lottery.
~ Bruce Jenner’s nieces and nephews call him Uncle Lady.
~ So earlier today I spotted a deer in a distant field with binoculars. And now I’m wondering what he was looking at with them …
~ I can’t do it your way. I’m unable to attain that level of stupidity.
~ I didn’t read the terms and conditions. I’ll probably end up homeless, yet known for my notably lustrous hair.
~ All I’m saying is if my former boss had been a slug, I’d have sprinkled her with salt.
~ I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.
~ I don’t know where I’m going with this, but that has never stopped me before.
~ I like going into a public bathroom stall and doing camera shutter sounds with my phone.
~ I often wonder how I can be so wrong about so many people all of the time.
~ The people that never ask you anything are always the ones who think they know everything about you.
~ I was born with a lazy eye and it just kind of spread.
~ I’m not saying it’s something we should do, but I think the school play would be more entertaining if the kids were drunk.
~ So I saw a kid solving a Rubik’s cube, hands over his head, and blindfolded. I don’t even know where my keys are. THIS is what I’m angry about today.
~ My best advice to you is… don’t EVER take advice from me.