jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind… 3-7-2016

~ You don’t win friends with salad.

~ When smacking your gut, how many flesh ripples does it take to qualify as obese?

~ Saw a hawk swoop down over the highway and fly off with a snake in his mouth and I can’t even switch lanes while eating a Twizzler.

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~ Whatever the opposite of a hunger strike is … I’m on that.

~ My new retirement plan is to just travel across the country robbing liquor stores while wearing a Dolly Parton wig. Oh … and play the lottery.

~ Bruce Jenner’s nieces and nephews call him Uncle Lady.

~ So earlier today I spotted a deer in a distant field with binoculars. And now I’m wondering what he was looking at with them …

~ I can’t do it your way. I’m unable to attain that level of stupidity.

~ I didn’t read the terms and conditions. I’ll probably end up homeless, yet known for my notably lustrous hair.

~ All I’m saying is if my former boss had been a slug, I’d have sprinkled her with salt.

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~ I always make full eye contact when placing the stick that separates our groceries.

~ I don’t know where I’m going with this, but that has never stopped me before.

~ I like going into a public bathroom stall and doing camera shutter sounds with my phone.

~ I often wonder how I can be so wrong about so many people all of the time.

~ The people that never ask you anything are always the ones who think they know everything about you.

~ I was born with a lazy eye and it just kind of spread.

Mary Feldman

~ I’m not saying it’s something we should do, but I think the school play would be more entertaining if the kids were drunk.

~ So I saw a kid solving a Rubik’s cube, hands over his head, and blindfolded. I don’t even know where my keys are. THIS is what I’m angry about today.

~ My best advice to you is… don’t EVER take advice from me.

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