jester journals

Weird Ramblings from a Warped Mind


Weird Ramblings From A Warped Mind … 3-6-2017

~ It must be ironical that for years I’ve been pronouncing them academia nuts.

~ You can’t choose your family, but you can choose a hit man.

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~ If I actually washed separately every item I was instructed to “wash separately,” one week’s worth of laundry would take over 400 years.

~ When they described my IQ test results as “unprecedented,” I was hoping it was a compliment.

~ I drive a car I don’t really care about … so if I’m trying to merge, you should probably let me.

~ Visa just called and told me I don’t need all that crap.

~ Technically, it’s only called “underwear” when I leave the confines of my house. The rest of the time it’s called “onlywear.”

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~ The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip-flops on while walking.

~ According to my calculations, my carbo-loading has prepared me to run 47,123 marathons.

~ I was the fifth grade Spelling Bee Champ for three years in a row.

~ I lost a fight with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) today … and I wasn’t even there.

~ I know how to really darken up a room.

~ Golf is my favorite sport that combines intense rage with drinking and driving.

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~ Some life decisions can’t be undone. You don’t “come back” from buying your own bowling ball.

~ The bad news? I woke up in a puddle of urine again this morning. The good news? It was mine this time.

~ Wheaties should put a photo of me on their box wearing a shirt that says: “I don’t eat Wheaties.”

~ Don’t get a dog until you’re sure it looks good in a bandana. Our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor learned this the hard way.

~ If you tell me, “No rush.” then I’m basically never doing it.

~ I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to fish the left side of the drawstring out of that tiny hole in the waist of my sweatpants.

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