~ It must be ironical that for years I’ve been pronouncing them academia nuts.
~ You can’t choose your family, but you can choose a hit man.
~ If I actually washed separately every item I was instructed to “wash separately,” one week’s worth of laundry would take over 400 years.
~ When they described my IQ test results as “unprecedented,” I was hoping it was a compliment.
~ I drive a car I don’t really care about … so if I’m trying to merge, you should probably let me.
~ Visa just called and told me I don’t need all that crap.
~ Technically, it’s only called “underwear” when I leave the confines of my house. The rest of the time it’s called “onlywear.”
~ The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip-flops on while walking.
~ According to my calculations, my carbo-loading has prepared me to run 47,123 marathons.
~ I was the fifth grade Spelling Bee Champ for three years in a row.
~ I lost a fight with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) today … and I wasn’t even there.
~ I know how to really darken up a room.
~ Golf is my favorite sport that combines intense rage with drinking and driving.
~ Some life decisions can’t be undone. You don’t “come back” from buying your own bowling ball.
~ The bad news? I woke up in a puddle of urine again this morning. The good news? It was mine this time.
~ Wheaties should put a photo of me on their box wearing a shirt that says: “I don’t eat Wheaties.”
~ Don’t get a dog until you’re sure it looks good in a bandana. Our Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor learned this the hard way.
~ If you tell me, “No rush.” then I’m basically never doing it.
~ I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to fish the left side of the drawstring out of that tiny hole in the waist of my sweatpants.