~ Does resisting the urge to murder people count as “excellent social skills” on a resume?
~ The next time someone asks me what I write, I’m going to say, “Prison Rules” and then maybe just, like, choke them a little or something.
~ Air quotes work in every situation … especially I “love” you.
~ It’s important to remember that exercise doesn’t work unless you tell a bunch of people about it. Evidently …
~ I like to think of myself as something you contract.
~ Once I started smacking people with OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) purse, I was never asked to hold it for her anymore.
~ I bet parking spots feel sad when my piece of crap truck pulls in.
~ We still have a landline … which we use as a Cell Phone Finder.
~ If I have to offend you to make my point … I will.
~ I need a life coach … but one that won’t make me do anything.
~ When I went to bed last night, I still had bed head from yesterday morning.
~ If smoke detectors sounded like a cat about to vomit I’d probably pay more attention.
~ Auto correct just turned “pretty lady” into “pretty lazy” in a post about OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy). I can already feel a cold front moving in.
~ Drinking games are immature and childish … which is why I have moved on to cheeseburger checkers.
~ Your can-do attitude will never outmatch my won’t-try philosophy.
~ Instead of working out to build bigger muscles, I’m just going to buy shirts with tighter sleeves.
~ The older I get the less I feel I need to explain myself. Bite me.
~ The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows me, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with my life.
~ One of my superpowers is finding everything I used to be looking for instead of finding the thing I’m currently looking for.