~ Either OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has taught herself judo or I just caught her trying to get her pantyhose off.
~ I try to be a really good person, but then someone talks to me and ruins it.
~ I have an 80-pack of fruit snacks from Costco in the garage … because I’m an adult. And I can.
~ My ‘blindside’ is actually every side because I’m never really paying attention to anything.
~ Personally, I’ve found that the easiest way to make the ladies swoon is for me to just leave the room.
~ Please do not yell facts about me as though they are insults.
~ My stripper name is Gary. It’s not the best stripper name, but then I’m not a very good stripper.
~ What’s it called when you sound hilarious to yourself but like a moron to others? I’m that.
~ I can tell a lot about OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) mood by how she reacts to my eating food she was saving for later.
~ I can usually be best described as happy go leave me alone.
~ I was knighted at Chuck E. Cheese’s last night. I am now known as, “Sir Would You Please Get Out Of The Ballpit.”
~ After watching the History Channel, I’ve realized that back in school I missed the chapters on American Pickers and Ancient Aliens.
~ I think what I’ve really learned from opening up to people is that I shouldn’t.
~ When I’m updating my résumé, does self deprecation go under “Special Skills” or “Hobbies?”
~ I entered my Google search history into WebMD and they mailed me my very own straightjacket.
~ I win every argument by maintaining eye contact while eating a stick of butter.
~ I know it’s Monday when I keep misplacing things around the house. Phone, keys, any sense of motivation … you know, the usual.