~ I got kicked out of Chipotle today for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
~ I’ve never done a polar bear plunge into frigid, bone-chilling, icy waters, but I did get brain freeze from a Sonic Slushie one time.
~ So it turns out that, as an adult, you can eat chocolate cake for breakfast if you want – there is literally no one policing this.
~ It’s all fun and games until someone loses the twist tie on the bread.
~ I’m getting a weird vibe from the dead guy on my lawn.
~ When OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?
~ When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in The Wal*Marts is doing.
~ My abs were lost in a freak, 54-year eating accident.
~ I spend 15% of each day calculating the percentages of what I do each day.
~ I’m starting the slowly incoherent club. The firdt rule of sluly incoharont clb is tg shgy bjome icghrt.
~ I still cannot grasp how an $80,000+ education did not properly prepare me for resetting the clock in my car.
~ If you don’t want to me to grind and twerk all up on you, then maybe you shouldn’t stand so close behind me in the checkout line at The Wal*Marts.
~ You’re never too old to throw random junk in people’s shopping carts when they aren’t looking.
~ Being an adult has involved a lot less fun and a lot more ibuprofen than I ever anticipated.
~ It may be called a toilet brush, but you can brush anything with this bad boy.
~ I have a penchant to buy the garbage bags that don’t open from either end.
~ I’m often described lovingly as, “That guy over there.”
~ Sometimes I like to go to West Virginia and chew with my mouth closed just to show off.