~ “Your bathroom has much better lighting for selfies” wasn’t a good enough excuse for my surprised neighbor getting out of the shower. So uptight.
~ You can be my type in three margaritas.
~ One of my favorite ways to waste time is to do nothing about everything.
~ Relationship or hallucination? I’m really not sure. But either way, my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is seeing somebody.
~ Sometimes I’ll stare at a calendar as I eat my cheese fries and try to guess which day I’ll have my heart attack.
~ Sometimes, late at night, I think about the one that got away and wonder if things might’ve been different if I had used a long range tactical scope.
~ Tried cooking dinner for OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) last night and she went to bed with mood poisoning.
~ I had to cancel my gym membership because there were some changes in the vending machines that I didn’t agree with.
~ Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
~ My motto in life is do no harm … but don’t quote me on that.
~ My superpower is caring about people who don’t care about me.
~ A gentleman always knows when it’s time to make his exit. Unfortunately for me, it’s never a graceful one.
~ Sorry I acted crazy. It will happen again.
~ Nothing says professional like blue raspberry Slurpee lips.
~ I’ve never felt more betrayed by my body than that one time it let what I thought was a fart slip out while peeing in a public urinal.
~ I’ve never been to jail, but I used to go to work every day.
~ The lemon juice in the fridge was expired, but I squeezed it into my ice water anyway and I’ve never felt so alive. This is going to be epic.
~ Weird… when I ask OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) “How was your day?” she hears, “Describe everything that happened in painstaking detail … especially work drama.”