~ I don’t understand people who have to “get ready” for bed … I’m always ready for bed.
~ Well, this is embarrassing … it turns out this whole time I’ve been eating baby spinach. Where do you even buy spinach for grown-ups?
~ As a kid I didn’t know what to do in those photo booth thingeys, so from ages 5-10, all I have are mug shots.
~ Most of my household injuries are caused by me saying “whatever” during an argument.
~ It’s hard to believe how many things I didn’t accomplish today.
~ My goal in life is to be as sarcastic as possible without getting punched in the face.
~ My birthstone is Oreos.
~ I hate when I sleep on my arm kind of funny and then I wake up the next morning and I feel all dead inside.
~ My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I step on the scale each morning.
~ I find the most awkward part about parking in a handicapped spot is remembering what leg to drag on the way back.
~ My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
~ I’m probably not going to stop procrastinating later either.
~ I need coffee to get the energy to get up and get coffee.
~ As a guy, my needs are simple … everything. I literally need everything.
~ Any paper is toilet paper if you’re desperate enough.
~ Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor to run into things … it was vodka.
~ There is nothing like watching a marathon of “Hoarders” to make me feel like I’ve got my life together.
~ My Life Coach just explained to me that I’ve been in the placebo group.
~ Stereotyping is wrong … unless you want to be right 95% of the time.