~ My self-esteem was running on fumes yesterday … so I headed to The Wal*Marts.
~ My favorite part about dieting is when I get upset because I didn’t lose all the weight I gained for 20 years in 2 weeks.
~ My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
~ Our kitchen cabinets would be far more orderly if I knew the alphabet better.
~ On a scale of 17 to pinecone, how delusional do you think I am?
~ I was going to give you a nasty look, but I see you already have one.
~ I try to treat other people the way I would want to be treated … if I wasn’t such a dick.
~ I have the inner tranquility of a circus.
~ At some point Crayola is going to have to be held accountable for making crayons nostril size.
~ I have the body of a 25-year-old couch.
~ My latest inventive idea: candy necklaces made of Tums.
~ Unless your kid’s school fundraiser is selling whiskey, don’t be ringing my doorbell.
~ I like to apply to several colleges a year and send back every acceptance letter with a note that says, “You wish.”
~ My diet today: coffee and a pop tart. But the coffee was black and the pop tart was unfrosted, so I’m practically on a cleanse.
~ The key to our happy and successful marriage is muttering a lot and only giving OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) the finger behind her back.
~ I live somewhere between being Out There and Not all There.
~ When I listen carefully, I can frequently hear hindsight laughing at me.
~ I hate it when someone exaggerates while I’m doing a hundred things at once.
~ I worry less these days because I’m certain I’m going to die anyway. And no one will be there anyway …
~ Eventually you have to reach that moment in life where you say, “Yes … I ate the whole bag of Doritos by myself and I’m ok with that.” I’m there.