~ My gang sign is just me wiping lint off my shirt.
~ According to an independent study, done by me, I had projected that I would be rich by now.
~ Yoga pants should come with an application, an interview, and a letter of approval.
~ If you matter to someone … you’ll know.
~ I’ve learned that no one messes with you if you just walk around shouting the alphabet.
~ You have no idea how hard I can stupid.
~ I heckled my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor at his third wedding … automatically removing me from his fourth wedding invitee list.
~ I had a dream where my refrigerator just walked to my bedroom, opened the door, stood there and stared at me for five minutes, then it closed the door and left.
~ I just realized I forgot to send Columbia House a change of address card in 1988. My cassettes must be stacking up.
~ My mother always dreamed I’d become an extra on “The Love Boat.”
~ I finally got my teeth unglued after eating a Jolly Rancher three days ago.
~ I think my problem is that I have really fantastic bad ideas.
~ I want a “National Absolutely Nothing Day.”
~ Tried meditating once … but ended up taking a really great nap.
~ I am great with comebacks, but I require a 5 minute window.
~ Whenever OWN (‘ Ol Weird Nancy) starts a sentence with, “It’s funny how you…” the rest of the sentence is never funny. I don’t think she even understands humor.
~ After watching 27 seasons of Cops, I’m thinking “That isn’t mine” may not be the best defense.
~ I don’t dance like nobody’s watching … because people NEED to see this.
~ Red bull and vodka … because I want to be wide awake for my mistakes.
~ I asked my Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor’s 4 year old what she was drawing and she said, “A doomed man staring at an empty world.” I was like, DAYUM … this little bitch gets it.