~ I remember as a teen excitedly calculating my first paycheck … and then someone told me about taxes.
~ For the last week I’ve been breaking into our neighbor’s trailer every night and not taking anything … but putting a cape on their dog.
~ When I’m in The Wal*Marts I whisper, “I can eat cookies whenever the hell I want” to little kids when their moms aren’t looking.
~ I have abs … olutely no interest in eating salad. Now please pass the REAL food.
~ Today I reflected on all the great things I’ve done in my life … and it only took 2 minutes.
~ Not saying we need groceries, but my dinner tonight was a crouton sandwich.
~ If I were a super hero a lot of people would probably die.
~ I don’t always apologize when I know I’m wrong, but when I do, it’s not sincere.
~ I remember my prom date said she wanted a pink corsage, but I knew she’d prefer the more sensible, longer-lasting fern in a hanging basket.
~ My dream job is to be the conductor on the gravy train.
~ Four words you never want to hear from the lady standing behind you in the line at The Wal*Marts: “Does this look infected?”
~ If you’re willing to overlook the occasional vague, unidentifiable bits, the Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood Chinese diner is actually quite good.
~ I’ll start respecting crossing guards when they start peeling themselves off the hood of my truck.
~ What has to go so wrong in your life that you’re “liking” mayonnaise on Facebook? I’m seriously worried about my cousin.
~ Few indicators of sobriety are as effective as when you realize the escalator you have been riding for 5 minutes is actually a stairway.
~ I’m so glad I pay for 500 channels when I only watch two.
~ Went to an auction feeling sad, and now we have to declare bankruptcy.
~ Not only is my thesaurus terrible, but it’s also terrible.