~ Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.
~ ThOm’s Interstate rule: If someone passes you on the right, he’s a jerk. If three people pass you on the right, you’re a jerk.
~ If you start clipping your toenails at Olive Garden, they will ask you to leave. So much for that whole, “When you’re here, you’re family” thing.
~ I farted in The Wal*Marts and the lady next to me asked what kind of perfume I was wearing.
~ The object in my mirror feels older than it appears.
~ I have missed SEVERAL surprise parties given in my honor by mistaking them for interventions.
~ At traffic lights, I always change my radio station to an Alternative/Indie Music station and turn it up loud so I look cooler and more relevant.
~ To those who said I would never live up to my potential: Good call.
~ My friend goes to the gym 4 times a week. Me? Well … I switched from deep pan to thin crust.
~ I know I CAN’T be the only one who pulls for the lion during the lion tamers act at the circus.
~ The main thing I’ve learned on social media is the dumbest people are the most confident.
~ My Hickville Holler (Pop 2) TrailerHood neighbor is stuck somewhere between “having it together” and “some assembly required.”
~ I used to race motorcycles. Man … those things are SO much faster than me.
~ I’m not proud of who I become when I see a large puddle in front of a bus stop full of people.
~ I don’t make mistakes … I AM the mistake.
~ I’m kinda funny, once you get to know me … and THAT’S the challenge.
~ If we are ever in a situation where I am the voice of reason … we are in a very, VERY, bad situation.
~ Some of my worst ideas have actually gone on to become colossal failures.