~ I’ve started to dabble in real estate … I visit open houses and eat the free cheese.
~ All of my enthusiasm could be scooped up by a single Frito.
~ Never go to bed angry … or throw your cat like a football.
~ I don’t believe those “movies” anymore. I just took a shower with OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and all I did was stand in the corner freezing for 20 minutes handing her different shampoos.
~ I like to use words that don’t make sense in a sentence. I don’t give a smock.
~ I’ve started wearing a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion, the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
~ Can anyone recommend a therapist who won’t call the police every time I show up at their house naked?
~ My 7th-grade Sex Ed class did not mention how much apologizing there would be.
~ Slow dancing became very awkward once I became a ventriloquist.
~ Sometimes, I read someone’s post and think, “I could’ve worded it gooder than they done.”
~ Please stop calling me “Loser.” My name is right on my name tag.
~ If I was gonna be condescending, I’d pick on someone better than you.
~ Not to brag, but on my drive to town today I won every argument I imagined having with people in my head.
~ If I ever own a self-driving car, most of that technology will be used when I’m standing in a closer parking space asking my car to relocate.
~ I preset our coffee pot to brew at 5:30 every morning. That way if I die in my sleep at least it’ll look l had plans.
~ Dear bill collectors, if you want me to answer the phone, instead of “no caller ID” try something like “free pizza.”
~ Making zero impression on peoples lives is hard, but its what I do.
~ I’m going to start calling calories “deliciousness points.”
~ I wish I knew how to delete the word ‘ducking’ from my iPhone.