~ I’m glad I chose a woman with wits … wits will never sag. ~ One day I hope to be smart enough to not panic for gas when my car drives east. ~ I’ve found if I tuck my pants legs into my socks, people expect less of me. ~ I’m only smart enough […]
~ My self-esteem was running on fumes yesterday … so I headed to The Wal*Marts. ~ My favorite part about dieting is when I get upset because I didn’t lose all the weight I gained for 20 years in 2 weeks. ~ My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad. ~ Our kitchen […]
~ My gang sign is just me wiping lint off my shirt. ~ According to an independent study, done by me, I had projected that I would be rich by now. ~ Yoga pants should come with an application, an interview, and a letter of approval. ~ If you matter to someone … you’ll know. […]
~ I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve never finished lower than second place in every fight I’ve ever been in. ~ “Because you’re worth it,” I whisper to myself as I pour my third glass of Jack. ~ A really good beauty tip you don’t hear very often is, “Don’t be a bitch.” ~ […]
The morning after I killed myself, I woke up. I made myself breakfast in bed. I added salt and pepper to my eggs and used my toast for a cheese and bacon sandwich. I squeezed a grapefruit into a juice glass. I scraped the ashes from the frying pan and rinsed the butter off the […]
~ I like when people say, “You wouldn’t understand anyway” like they think I was even listening in the first place. ~ It’s only a short distance before I realize I have no idea where I’m going. ~If you take all the snacks in my house and add them up, you’ll know what I had […]
These things just make me laugh … 590,086
~ I’m not saying cutting off an ambulance on the way to pick up my pizza was right … I’m just saying it was totally worth it. ~ I street-raced a tractor today … in case you’re wondering just how Ricky Bobby I am. ~ I never understood how a parent could lift a car […]
If ever there were a person whom I held in high esteem and whose life we should all attempt to emulate … that person would be Bob Walters. A friend for 40+ years, I was blessed to be the first attempt at child rearing for he and his bride Teri. As a teenager, they graciously […]
The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment. They were to get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy began, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot […]