~ I don’t have a gambling problem, but I DID tell OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) to calm down one time. ~ I wear the number of psychiatrists I’ve had like a badge of honor. ~ Chili without beans? No, that’s NOT chili. What you’ve got there is a bowl of Sloppy Joe. ~ I just […]
Just what everyone needs … a helping hand getting that Thanksgiving meal prepared. Courtsey of Joseph’s Machines. 585,191
~ It doesn’t matter if I sleep 2 hours or 13 hours, I will still be tired the next day. ~ Everything you’ve ever wanted is on the other side of your fear. ~ Yelling gets you better meds. ~ Triscuits … for those times in life where only salty wicker will do. ~ Most […]
~ I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter, but wasn’t sure how to spell it. So … ~ It’s not that I’m not poor … I’m just big-loaned. ~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) and I made our wills last week. We had to make the lawyer the beneficiary because our estate […]
~ I’ve always thought alcohol silenced the voices in my head. I now realize it just moves them to my mouth. ~ I tried wearing a push-up bra and could still barely do 1 push-up … so I would not recommend it. ~ My psychiatrist told me “There’s really nothing more I can do for […]
~ If you shove a Tic Tac up each nostril, it doesn’t matter how horrible anyone else’s breath is. ~ I’m the kind of man that gives men a bad name. It’s a tough job, but at least I’m good at something. ~ I bet the best part of living in a double-wide is how […]
There is a lot of talk these days about bullying and failure to accept. I came across this powerful message recently and thought I’d share it here. There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his […]
~ You can join a yacht club without owning a yacht as long as you own 7-9 pastel Polo™ shirts and a pair of deck shoes. ~ I congratulated a woman at Wal*Mart yesterday on having the ugliest baby I’d ever seen and she didn’t even say thank you. How rude. ~ I once spent […]
~ What I thought was a trick up my sleeve turned out to be a dryer sheet. ~ All I said was “your whiskers are coming in nicely.” I don’t know why the lady at Wal*Mart got all huffy at me. ~ My favorite thing to do when it’s cold outside, is to not go […]
~ I hate to think my fate could end up in the hands of a group of strangers that weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. ~ If you ignore all your responsibilities for the week, they do not go away. Apparently. ~ I wish my middle finger was more patient and understanding. […]