~ I’m not fat … I’m just under-tall for my weight. ~ I once quit a job as a psychic due to unforeseen circumstances. ~ I find it sad that we live in a world where we’ll add a word to the dictionary if stupid people use it enough. ~ If you don’t wash your […]
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The doctor said, “The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition that causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one heck of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove […]
A water bearer had two large pots. One hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to […]
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has a really short commute to work each morning. I’m not sure exactly how many miles it is; I just know she barely has time to finish her beer. ~ It’s been over 40 years and we still have to push the microwave oven buttons so hard … is ANYONE […]
~ OWN (‘Ol Weird Nancy) has been penciling in her eyebrows ever since my great, “Don’t use too much lighter fluid” incident of 2001. ~ The majority of my posts will make you regret that you ever even learned to read. ~ My apologies to everyone who’s been hurt by my behavior. If I could […]
~ You can imagine my disappointment when an email with the subject line “inflatable amusements” turned out to be about kid’s toys.
~ We no longer worry about stock market volatility because we have all of our money tied up in being spent the second we get it. ~ A grown man at The Wal*Marts used the term ‘fiddlesticks’ today and his penis just dropped out of his pants leg, right there on the floor. ~ I […]
~ If you stop and think about it … gynecologists, proctologists, and dentists help the hole community. ~ I believe in annoyed at first sight. ~ Objects in mirror are more sad than they appear. ~ I can make all your dreams come true … as long as your dream is to be disappointed. ~ […]
~ I have a lot to do today, so I’m scanning my social media. ~ Did you know you could use Cheetos as air quotes? You’re welcome. ~ As she sent me a tweet yesterday, OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) autocorrect tried to change tater tots to Tater Toots, and I think she has now stumbled […]
~ I remember as a teen excitedly calculating my first paycheck … and then someone told me about taxes. ~ For the last week I’ve been breaking into our neighbor’s trailer every night and not taking anything … but putting a cape on their dog. ~ When I’m in The Wal*Marts I whisper, “I can […]