~ We no longer worry about stock market volatility because we have all of our money tied up in being spent the second we get it. ~ A grown man at The Wal*Marts used the term ‘fiddlesticks’ today and his penis just dropped out of his pants leg, right there on the floor. ~ I […]
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~ If you stop and think about it … gynecologists, proctologists, and dentists help the hole community. ~ I believe in annoyed at first sight. ~ Objects in mirror are more sad than they appear. ~ I can make all your dreams come true … as long as your dream is to be disappointed. ~ […]
~ I have a lot to do today, so I’m scanning my social media. ~ Did you know you could use Cheetos as air quotes? You’re welcome. ~ As she sent me a tweet yesterday, OWN’s (‘Ol Weird Nancy’s) autocorrect tried to change tater tots to Tater Toots, and I think she has now stumbled […]
~ I remember as a teen excitedly calculating my first paycheck … and then someone told me about taxes. ~ For the last week I’ve been breaking into our neighbor’s trailer every night and not taking anything … but putting a cape on their dog. ~ When I’m in The Wal*Marts I whisper, “I can […]
** CAUTION ** If you’re one of the easily offended snowflakes, it might be best to just skip over this one … You’ve been warned. So it seems a buddy of mine that I was in Iraq with found a job on guvernmentjobs.com that he felt he was qualified for, so he applied on-line. Well […]
This one never fails to make me laugh … Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year and every year Morris would say, “Esther, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.” Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride costs $50 dollars, and $50 dollars is $50 dollars.” One […]
~ Momma always told me if looks could kill, I’d still have to resort to killing them with kindness. ~ Back in high school, I could always tell the date was going well when I heard the sobbing begin to let up in the bathroom. ~ I’m too old to do the low-hanging pants, because […]
~ You know you’re at a classy restaurant when the guy at the next table is blowing his nose on a CLOTH napkin. ~ Just a heads up for new members … I found out yesterday the offering plate doesn’t work like the “take a penny, leave a penny” at the gas station. ~ We […]
~ If I didn’t constantly jump to conclusions, I’d get almost no cardio. ~ A wave of euphoria washes over me when I realize that every sock has a match. ~ I have nothing in common with people who do anything. ~ We’ve been out of Doritos since Saturday, so my diet is FULL BLOWN […]
~ Does it count as saving a life if you just refrain from killing them? ~ I really want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads. ~ To the guy who parked his new 2108 Lexus LC 500s across two parking spaces […]